Stream of Consciousness

SOO much has been going on lately...so many thoughts, so many revelations, so many ups and downs....I thought I would just express the ones that come to mind first.

-I'm finding myself right before dead week, feeling DEAD! Granted, I am taking 18 credits, but let's just say my to do list is one whole page long, and one item is "10 page research Spanish paper"....however, just 10 more days till relative freedom! haha

-I've been meditating on what true beauty really is and looks like. I've been striving to look into my heart more often than in the mirror.

-Jordan and I prayed for Blanca on Thursday (our last day volunteering of the term) for her back that was seriously injured in an accident years ago and for eating allergies that makes everything cause her stomach to hurt. She was grateful and open to us praying for her, and although we haven't heard anything yet, I know Jesus is going to start/continue to captivate her.

-I've been convicted of how I haven't been using my most basic gifts this year-- some, for a long time, some, for months. Including: just sitting down with an instrument and making music, my own song to the Lord....writing poems.....etc.

-I just want to KNOW THE LORD. Funny how years go by of "knowing the Lord" and yet you get to a place where you just WANT TO KNOW THE LORD. Maybe I'm the only one. I've also been strongly convicted of leaning heavily on others' revelations, stories, blogs, encounters, talents, and not making my relationship with the Lord my own. BAM. "Draw near to the Lord and He will draw near to you." So simple, yet so often I miss that. I told someone the other day how I just want to have an adventure everyday with Jesus, no matter where it is or what I'm doing.

-Pretty positive I am going to Israel :-) :-) please continue praying for peace and provision!

-Excited about rooming with one of my best friends, Rebes, again this summer! I have seen the Lord transform her life SOO much just in this year it is amazing to watch. Her love and joy for the Lord is so contagious...I am grateful to have a genuine friend like her--she is defnitely one of those I always prayed for! :-)

(Rebes and I at Garden Party, one week ago)

-Taking on more responsibilites for management...realizing more and more how stretched I will be! But also doing things that a year ago I would have been terrified of doing. The Lord is good and knows my limitations. I am so blessed though, to be doing this with my best friend Jules and we have already grown a lot closer through it. We are praying about studying spiritual gifts next year. (last year was Galatians-Colossians, this year was women of the Bible, etc...)

-Also, I will be kind of leading a summer small group with Rebes this summer for girls that are staying here (and there are many!) We will be doing the Breaking Free study!! Part of me is scared because I know how intense it is, but I know that it will be soo good and....freeing. I really need to be challenged this summer and grow a lot....and be prepared for the things He's gonna call me to next year.

-Feeling somewhat hopeless again about future husband, but at the same time not really dwelling on it. Part of me knows that he has to come sooner or later because of all the prayers that are forwarded to God on our behalf :-) Lately, I've really just been aching to have kids. My 21st birthday is next month and already I am feeling older, haha. I am so grateful for how the Lord is protecting me, though. I am grateful that I know WHY I am single. I am grateful that I am so grateful for Charis and that even now I am looking forward to all the new friendships I will make next year in my last year here. I am grateful I get to have fun every single day here, and get poured into and get to pour into.

-Adding onto that, so often i have prayed for my future husband and that God will be working in him. When I was on a bike ride the other day, God gently said, "what if it's YOU I'm waiting for?"  (not him). That was humbling. I still have so much healing and maturing to do. Also in the times when i would think of what my future husb would be like or what he would do for me, I have been stopping and thinking of ways that I could serve him or bless him. It is much more joyous and freeing.

-Looking forward to getting a banjo this summer (Lord willing! :) I have already had so many bits of songs run through my head, and I think, that would be so perfect for the banjo! There are times when I think, music is what I need to do the rest of my life. Feeling overwhelmed at times with my future.

-On that note, I've been feeling exceptionally foreign-country sick lately. I wish I had a problem with homesickness, but it is always the other. Just today my heart has longed to be in Costa Rica, Mexico, Florida, New Mexico, Alaska, Honduras, Cuba and Norway. It is so hard to think about so many opportunities, so many places, and wanting to do them ALL. Meet every single person, visit every single town. It overwhelms me consistently and I hope it's something He will free me from. Even thinking about going to Israel next spring break, part of me is thinking, "Why am I not going back to Costa Rica? I told them I'd visit as soon as possible..."  Then there's YWAM...which i KNOW i need to go to, but I have no idea when. Soo..you get the point!

-Excited to see Oma, my grandma in two weeks after 2 years of not seeing her! Also to finally get to meet my Mia girl in 2 weeks for Milly's graduation!!! :-)

-Well, that's probably quite enough of my heart right there! ;-) Better write another page before I go to bed. Thanks for reading this, and may you be blessed.

Ariana

Through my volunteering experience, I have met a wonderful, beautiful woman named *Ariana from El Salvador.
The first time I tutored her in English was a little over a month ago, and we got to talking about her story (with many difficult parts) and I felt such an overwhelming, heavy burden for her. I sensed opression and hurt. We also talked about her beliefs, and how she and her husband started going to a Gnostic group...it seems a little similar to Buddhism..she talked about how it was "so hard". Talked about mantras and weird prayers and dying to your self. There was then a pause and I felt I HAD to share..that Jesus had to overflow into my words! I got to briefly describe the relationship I have with Jesus and how it has given me life and love and peace. It was one of the few times I have taken the opportunity to just simply share about my life with a non-believer--and it just came out, naturally.
Ariana is 26, has been married for 10, has a few Salvadoreno friends here, but spends quite a bit of time alone. That is about to change! :-)
I then saw her again two weeks ago and I ended up mentioning Cold Stone somehow and she said how she'd never been there. Well anyways, tonight we went!! It was so beautiful...we had no problems talking (Spanish and English, of course :-) and it felt like such an honor to spend time with her even though she was thanking me profusely for everything. She already feels like a good friend. We have plans lined up for going to the movies, going to Pastini's where she works, going bike riding this summer, practicing my Spanish with her this summer (and vice versa), teaching her to knit, cooking Salvadorena food, even talking about her future kids that will hopefully be coming soon :) All this to say, I feel like we will be friends for a long time and that God put me in her life (and hers in mine) for a reason. I do not see her as a project or my "mission". All I know is that I'm supposed to, and that I yearn to love her with the love of Christ and that He will use me according to His will. And He is always faithful to give me the words. I started tearing up on the way home tonight just being so humbled that He could use me to be the person in her life to give her hope, and a taste of Jesus. I am so incapable on my own. ANYWAYS.

OHhhh...how could I forget. So you probably know I have been praying big time for a job this summer...anyways I was telling her about it today. She said very casually that it would probably be no problem to get me a job at Pastini's where she works. AND Qdoba, which is one of the top places I would love to work, because she also has a friend that works there! And I applied at a nearby Craft Store today because the opportunity arose and that also seems promising. I feel like today has been one big "HA!" from Jesus to all the doubts and insecurities I had about His providing.

Anyways, i am one fufilled girl today...rejoicing in His goodness. Looking forward to what tomorrow brings.

Blessings,
Suse

*name changed for privacy

PASS!

I got extremely exciting news yesterday that I PASSED my math re-take test!!!!! Now I can apply for the double degree program in June like I'm supposed to....phew, what a relief! The Lord is so faithful. I  knew, driving to Portland to take the test, that He told me it would be fine and that He would give me favor. Wow, He is so gracious. And not only that, but I got a higher score than my writing score! (which NEVER happens)

His love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me.

That's all for now, must get back to studying. Blessings~~~~

K- Two More Songs

Sometimes I have no words and just songs, like today. I have been listening to these two nonstop, and they're definitely worth the time.

 

You've got a hold on me Jesus! :-)

and

Without Your presence I'm not living!

Ahhhh......

Fresh Song

Lovin this song today.....

Be refreshed in the joy of the Lord!

Strike the strings on my heart

And I’ll sing your melodies

A hymn of love, songs of blood

Spilling from my mouth

And all of my praises, whoa oh oh oh oh

Belong to you

Pluck my heart like a harp

And sing salvations song

Your praises fill the air I breathe

With the sweetest melodies

And all of my praises belong to you

 

The Conflict of Joy

There's a lot of things swirling in my brain right now, but I've had one "issue" particular coming to mind.
"Weep with those who weep, rejoice with those who rejoice..." (Somewhere in the NT)
So many times I have been the victim, the self-pitying one that is envious of other people's joys. Many times. I am generally pretty good at rejoicing with them, even if I have to stare into my own pit afterwards. I love rejoicing when me and a friend are both in a "great" stage in life (I say "great" because I'm learning even the worst days God makes great..) The one I have been struggeling with lately is when everyone around me seems to be in a pit and I seem like the only one in the world to possess joy. {This is not meant to sound arrogant at all...like I said i've had my fair share of pits!} I tend to feel guilty when I share the awesome things Jesus is doing and saying in my life, and also if my prayer requests are more light hearted. I don't want to put my sister in Christ in a potential place of being envious or frustrated, etc. How do I both empathize and pour into a sister that is "in the pit" AND be honest about where I'm at without tension?
When it gets really bad, I start to question if I really do have joy and if it's ok. HA. Yes, that's where the enemy must come in. I am CALLED to have inexpressible joy....a deep joy that does not wither with circumstance.
"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy." -1 Pet. 1:8
The Lord is slowly teaching me things but I would also love any wisdom. I'm sensing humility is a key word and having the willingness to bear one another's burdens, while letting God's joy within me overflow and uplift that person.

Well, back to studying.......
Blessings!

Someone must have been praying for me

today because I was PRODUCTIVE and MANAGED MY TIME and did not fell bound to things that waste time! It's such a good feeling, maybe this will stick around for a while! :-)
21 credits, day 7 and I'm still alive!
The Lord is good.