racing...peppermint hot chocolate...my future

This will be a somewhat random post...but then again, nothing too unusual ;-)

One of my new dear friends, Carissa, works at Starbucks and she often brings home drinks to surprise people. Today I was the lucky recipient and I woke up and walked out to the study room to find a peppermint hot chocolate on my desk (how did she know it was my fave?? anyways.:) I was about to go for a run (more on that later) but I saw this large drink and thought, "well, I better drink this now!" I heard the Lord invitingly call me back to my bed to have some good quality time with Him. "Come drink some hot chocolate with me, and spend time with me!" I definitely felt His extravagant love--of giving without expectations.

It had been a rough last couple days wallowing in my flesh, and I knew that I had been avoiding this time--but praise the Lord, He broke through that and spoke truth to me.

This same friend also inspired me to think about running a 15k race (9.3 mi) this March in Portland. I had started running regularly this summer but dropped it once school started. However, having this goal and challenge in mind has motivated me to start running again! I can now go up to about 4 miles. The Lord is using this so much already to teach me about my walk with Him. And not surprisingly, he has pointed out Hebrews 12 to me multiple times, about stripping off everything that hinders us and entangles us to run the race with perseverance. There is so much "stripping down" he has to do in me, and I feel I am so much more aware of that when I am running and I have something physical to relate to. He wants me to be able to run lighter, freer, longer, harder. My eyes are straight ahead, not looking to the right or left in comparison, but Ahead to the Author and Perfector of my faith.

And I can't tell you how many people I have told about this race in my excitement (there are around 15 or so girls that are also doing it now!) Yesterday when I was running, he clearly said, "The more people know, the less you can back out."

This is true in both senses of the word. I can't back out of this 15k, now that I have so many people keeping me accountable. In my community of believers, I couldn't back out of a relationship with Jesus if I wanted to; there are too many and they love me too much. (although yes, I still have free will--just like I could decide not to run the 15k).

Running is still very painful at times and I ask myself WHY am I doing this?! I would much rather just walk or bike. But the great race that we're in now isn't always pleasurable--sometimes it is hard and sacrificial--but it is always worth it, and our prize is glorious.

Jesus believes in me. He chose me first. He loved me first. This is a revolutionary truth when I am making decisions about the future--today for instance. I had an advising appointment so I could find more info about/apply for the bilingual endorsement (teaching in Spanish and English) or just the ESOL (helping non-native English speaking students). The last few years my gut instinct has been to teach in Spanish and English, but lately I have wavered due to my lack of confidence in my abilities to do so. When I am making decisions, are they based off of my flesh or off of faith? I hope today I made a decision of faith when I chose to do the bilingual endorsement, which scares the crap out of me but...does require a massive amount of faith in Him who called me. And since that meeting, I have felt increasing JOY and excitement. Though some obstacles do intimidate me, I am glad if this is the path He has chosen for me, because He wants to PROSPER me. (Jer 29:11)

 And I can't express how much I am in love with Hispanic kids and how I long to be their teacher--and their role model--someone they would visit in years to come, someone that whispered Jesus to them, maybe spoke into some of their giftings. Someone that quieted their nerves about living in a different country (or maybe just a crazy white woman that really loved them. ;-)

There is a good chance that I would get to stay and teach in Corvallis, as there is a need...and that thrills me, but really I could go anywhere...and that overwhelms me, for I want to go EVERYWHERE. Every time I look at a map my mind races at all the options. Lucky for me, Jesus is my Shepherd and will lead me to green pastures. He knows where I am to be, and He loves giving good gifts. Haha. How amazing! I am so excited for the adventure that is the future but trying to remember to keep both feet planted here for the time being as I love on 40-some college girls and read and study for copious amounts of time to pass classes I need to pass to be a teacher. My hands are open, and who knows what He will give and take away. I am not to boast about tomorrow, for I am not even promised tomorrow.

p.s. please pray for me on monday night, I am giving my testimony to the house!

Thanks for letting me spill that out...I have no emotions left now! ;-)

Thoughts from the Library

Here I am, on the 6th floor of the library, in a nice, secluded, quiet room (quite the opposite of Charis :) Lately I have been consumed with anxiety about my future and I wanted to get some thoughts out.

First, being in the house, especially as "house mom", you don't particularly feel the urge to go and study all the time..and in fact can be quite a feat if you get distracted as easily as I do :-) There are girls to talk to, fun to be had, etc...not to mention, I have SO much reading to do that I don't even know where to start..so sometimes I DON'T, which makes me even further behind...
So that's been my life the past 2 weeks thus far!

I am going to start fasting and praying soon about why my motivation for school is lacking, if I am truly on the right path, and how He can be a bigger part of my studies, driving everything I do.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my education advisor where I turned in a packet of things to move onto the next level--get accepted into the double degree program. (education + Spanish). NEXT WEDNESDAY I will have a professional interview with a few staff members and a few other students and that will ultimately determine if I get in or not.
{I also found out I will be graduating Spring '13, which is almost 2 more years of school including student teaching. I will most likely be student teaching in an awesome bilingual school here..and who knows, maybe the Lord will let me stay here for a while to teach!}
I have been feeling super attacked about it and feeling that I am completely incapable, stupid, and unconfident, that they will think that I have no potential. I have realized that these are lies, but I'm finding it hard to really believe what He says is truth.
I had an 'aha' moment last year when He told me the reason I wasn't feeling super motivated in school/doing as well in school was because I had always thought it the back of my head that I was stupid, and that I shouldn't even try because I was so unintelligent. I think this is creeping back in again.
I do know there is so much I need to grow in when it comes to teaching--especially in Spanish, ahh! But I always think about how strongly he has placed this desire on my heart since I was 4 years old.
So anyways, if you could be praying for the interview next week and just that I will be believing His truth and that my confidence would be in Him. I just want His will to be done in this situation--and in the grand scheme of things, this is just a little blimp on the radar (yet something He cares about so much!)
Also continued prayer for balancing my girls and school. Even if I do do all the studying I need to, I want to appear and be available to them. I also need to do pretty well in the rest of my classes I take, so my diligence will only need to improve.

I want my eyes and heart to be focused on the KINGDOM OF HEAVEN above all else. Which can be hard to do in this environment where all are focused so heavily on careers.

Thanks for letting me ramble. I appreciate all the love and prayers! Time to get to studying now ;-)
Suse