But really...where do I start?? Everyday I feel I have been mentally writing blogs in my head, but the list is too long and prioritizing them is mentally taxing.
I'm gonna start with what I'm dealing with RIGHT NOW--then move out.
Without fail, on these late lazy summer nights where just Jesus and I are up, hanging out in my bed, I get antsy for the future and my daydreaming {or night dreaming, I should say} goes full speed. Now don't laugh~well, do if you want to~ but I get so impatient to have children, to have babies, where I sit on Word and pen out names for over an hour...or read about pregnancy, or read mom blogs. You name it. I know 100% that now is not that chapter in my life, and it's probably not coming soon either, but perhaps being a mother is so part of who He made me to be...that I already miss my children.
I miss my Abel Jaem or my Nollie Fe or my Mairyn Luceia or my Kiam Adlai. Just maybe--or maybe 12:52 just does something to you.
Which, by the way, I seem to always have to write late at night.
The other day when I was riding in the car, I think, the Lord declared to me something like, "My Lily, that same spot you have for loving your future kids, the Love that occupies that space is love that gets to be poured out on other people. You are still a mother, because I made you to be a nurturer and giver."
The grass is always greener on the other side, I guess. But for now I have chosen that this side of the fence is pretty green and that I will enjoy every moment of this special era in my life where I have a whole quiet bed to myself, where I can sleep through the night without being woken up, where an idea hits me and I can leave spontaneously, where I have more time to get to worship and know my Lord-although I'm still learning to prioritize my time-where I can live with 47 amazing sisters and friends in community and glean off of them and nurture, where I can be shaped more and more every day into the woman Jesus made me to be and be that much more selfless, loving, wise and full of his Spirit. I know that many mothers may envy the life I have now--so free of duty, so full of time and relaxation and sleep...full of freedom and whatever else it is I have.
But that never stops me from thinking of my future and praying that He would be so kind to bless me with a man that was so perfectly made for me and children that I can hardly believe are mine.
And having a best friend getting married this summer, and 3 others next summer, does not exactly rein in my excitement~envy~joy~impatience.
ON THE RELATIONSHIPS FRONT~~~
Ever since returning from Costa Rica, the Lord has been DRASTICALLY changing the family scene. One of the hugest things I learned there {and in my life period} was 1 Cor. 13:11:
When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.
Read that for the first time and it was such a blow--such a GOOD blow--on my childish spirit that wanted to hold on-and not put away-childish things. I always figured that as you grew up, you matured and those childish things disappeared. But it was made blatantly clear to me that I need to PUT AWAY these things!! The shameful, ridiculous ways I would act with my parents and siblings, perhaps trying to stretch out the most horrific years of my life, were brought up.
I think all this happened when I turned 20 {yikes...it still feels funky typing that}. I was suddenly panicked and confused why I still acted and thought and spoke the way I did (do) sometimes and perhaps my subconscious theory that by the time I was 20 I would be a perfectly mature, independent, skinnier {ha}, gracious adult.
By NO MEANS am I suddenly perfect with my fam or even close, and I also see that my theory was rather unrealistic and nor was it based on the grace of God.
Just a few details so you can get the gist:
-have been working with my dad at the construction sites, and we have been getting along pretty much the whole time, I have been feeling a more effortless Love float out from me, being more polite and gracious, learning to hold my tongue which is a huge one, and even enjoying time with him.
-have been having a lot more respect for Bruce, made him an omelet last night when usually all I can manage to do is avoid him.
-still been getting along great with Bev
-ironically been having more conflicts with my mom (who I always got along the best with) but nothing big, just small frustrations and controversy of beliefs. I love my mom, but am sometimes afraid I will turn into her when I am a mom.
Baby steps....but the Lord is definitely answering my many prayers and healing me in places I didn't even know existed. Please be praying with me in these areas.
ON THE SCHOOL FRONT~~~~
Tomorrow night starts leader weekend, and in 2 days, I will find out my roommates (that is, IF I am with any leaders/returning girls) and my room. Even though it seems little, please be praying for the transition next year of room. The last two years I have been in the 6 room where I had AMAZING roommates and it was always very comfortable. I have a feeling next year might be a little out of my comfort zone. I'll let you know how it goes.
Last year my words for the year were transparency and boldness. I didn't really know how prophetic they would be--I learned transparency as I recounted my life story~problems and victories~to my house of girls and friends-and boldness as I led worship each week and learned to rely on the Spirit and to turn my gaze from forty plus faces to my Lover.
Today I heard word that humility and gentleness were this years words. I know that I'll need humility and gentleness leading worship a second year, and more so, in my daily life. I have been convicted of all the times I have talked instead of listened, spoke without thinking and hurt someone, let a boastful sentence slip, etc...by the grace of God I still have my friends and He still loves me the same...and I ask Him daily to help me control my tongue and have a childlike faith while not having a childish faith.
Many times I ask-or more like TELL the Lord...TAME ME!!!
And He says, I do not want to. But I will MOLD you. I love your wild and messy and beautiful heart, your randomness and creativity and perspective that no one else sees. You are mine. However, let me shape you, let my Holy Spirit do his work among you and when you have my Spirit, you will have self-control...and everything you need for life and godliness. Susannah, I need you for your personality and what you have to offer.
WOW! I am so in love with Him. So,so,so.
Anyways, school...I am ready to be back in nearly 3 weeks. I love the fresh slate aspect of the new school year, new classes, brand new relationships, new weather, new haircuts...new revelations.
By the way...please be praying for a JOB this year for me as many-most people have already been hired and are training before school starts. I haven't heard back from the place I applied to and spoke to the manager...so I honestly have no idea what to do and it has really been put on my heart to work this year. Please pray for favor!!!!
Woa, there are so many other things I wanna say, but I must be getting to bed. More to come.
Love and blessings,
**Suse**
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