Thoughts from the Library

Here I am, on the 6th floor of the library, in a nice, secluded, quiet room (quite the opposite of Charis :) Lately I have been consumed with anxiety about my future and I wanted to get some thoughts out.

First, being in the house, especially as "house mom", you don't particularly feel the urge to go and study all the time..and in fact can be quite a feat if you get distracted as easily as I do :-) There are girls to talk to, fun to be had, etc...not to mention, I have SO much reading to do that I don't even know where to start..so sometimes I DON'T, which makes me even further behind...
So that's been my life the past 2 weeks thus far!

I am going to start fasting and praying soon about why my motivation for school is lacking, if I am truly on the right path, and how He can be a bigger part of my studies, driving everything I do.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my education advisor where I turned in a packet of things to move onto the next level--get accepted into the double degree program. (education + Spanish). NEXT WEDNESDAY I will have a professional interview with a few staff members and a few other students and that will ultimately determine if I get in or not.
{I also found out I will be graduating Spring '13, which is almost 2 more years of school including student teaching. I will most likely be student teaching in an awesome bilingual school here..and who knows, maybe the Lord will let me stay here for a while to teach!}
I have been feeling super attacked about it and feeling that I am completely incapable, stupid, and unconfident, that they will think that I have no potential. I have realized that these are lies, but I'm finding it hard to really believe what He says is truth.
I had an 'aha' moment last year when He told me the reason I wasn't feeling super motivated in school/doing as well in school was because I had always thought it the back of my head that I was stupid, and that I shouldn't even try because I was so unintelligent. I think this is creeping back in again.
I do know there is so much I need to grow in when it comes to teaching--especially in Spanish, ahh! But I always think about how strongly he has placed this desire on my heart since I was 4 years old.
So anyways, if you could be praying for the interview next week and just that I will be believing His truth and that my confidence would be in Him. I just want His will to be done in this situation--and in the grand scheme of things, this is just a little blimp on the radar (yet something He cares about so much!)
Also continued prayer for balancing my girls and school. Even if I do do all the studying I need to, I want to appear and be available to them. I also need to do pretty well in the rest of my classes I take, so my diligence will only need to improve.

I want my eyes and heart to be focused on the KINGDOM OF HEAVEN above all else. Which can be hard to do in this environment where all are focused so heavily on careers.

Thanks for letting me ramble. I appreciate all the love and prayers! Time to get to studying now ;-)
Suse