I have heard this my whole life, and I've heard it about three times this week,
How are you ever going to be a mom?
Brought on my faintheartedness and dizziness, grimacing and the sort when I hear or see something that borders something medical...all my friends, at least my good ones, know to just not talk about those things around me (or at least warn me to plug my ears). The newer ones ask the Famous Question.
Yah, I dunno.
I know one thing for sure that my husband better be good with that kind of stuff! :-) It is honestly a fear and dread and pain that looms in my heart when I look to the future. I want to be there for my kids and protect them. But this is something that I am not to worry about now and when and if that time comes, the Lord will take care of it...and I will surrender the fear to Him daily and live from Him daily.
Learning what a beautiful thing it is to just trust FOR THE DAY. I don't feel like the Lord has ever asked me to give up something in surrender, for the rest of my life, for a year, or even for this week. Many times he just wants me to trust him FOR THE DAY. This brings me so much peace and joy. It also gives me an opportunity to come to Him and rely on Him for something. There are so many things I must offer up in re-surrender to Him daily...much of the time regarding my future.
I have decided to take 21 credits next term and just feel the most peace about that. I know it will be crazy but honestly I'm excited for a little challenge and to see Jesus come through and help me. I'm still wanting to stay here (in Corvallis) for the summer and work.....so we'll see if the Lord agrees and that will be something fun to look forward to. My first summer "away from home". But I shouldn't be talking too fast. There's still snow on the ground ;-)
The Lord has already been providing for me in crazy random ways. From a check in the mail that was from several months ago for underpaid nannying, to babysitting tonight randomly, and not to mention all the blessings my wonderful friends bestow on me. I am so blessed and grateful.
I got some big (ish) decisions to make soon regarding school.
Basically either I take 21 credits next term (and go a little crazy) and apply for the double-degree program in June, and finish school "on time" OR Not try to kill myself next term and take 18 credits, take one class during the summer (stay in Corvallis), get a job, apply late and go at least another term of school (more $).
I would like to do the latter, but I feel as if I might need to do the first. I'm going to be praying about it/sleeping on it but I register tomorrow. I will probably register for all of them and drop the one if I can later and revert to option # 2.
Please be praying with me for wisdom, clarity, guidance.....thank you prayer warriors!
Rejoicing because... fog has LIFTED and among many awesome things that have been happening, I feel such freedom and joy that I felt I haven't had for a long time. Even cooler, our house as a whole is getting lit on fire big time by the Holy Spirit and amazing stuff is happening. Last Friday we had an all-nighter in the prayer room in the basement and we stayed up till 4 worshipping and praying and painting and song writing and reading and communing. Holy Spirit came and ministered. Sunday night, there was another gathering of us girls in the prayer room. A few girls had prompted it to pray for direction for the house and the battle we feel like we're in, and the vision/path we're starting to walk in. It grew into about 8 of us praying individually for each other, praying specifically for each person's giftings and the Lord also bringing much healing and deliverance and freedom! Everyone was speaking prophetic words to each other, and the Spirit came SO thickly. (?) One girl in particular was really shaken up (in a good way). She had some bonds broken she'd had her whole life, and her tears washed away literally all her makeup which symbolized to her that the Lord had made her clean and pure and new. I've seen dramatic transformation in her just in the last week. It was a beautiful time and we're having another all nighter this Friday. Soo thankful for this house and these girls and their desire to press on with me for more things of the Lord and to go deeper and deeper. Thankful that He has taken away so much man-pleasing spirit and fear and replaced it with boldness, vulnerability, freedom, joy, discernment.
So much more to talk about but I gotta cut it off now! Blessings!
If you didn't read my last post, I'm reading through Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot and I have been gleaning some pretty eye-opening nuggets that I've been needing to hear. Here are some of the best quotes:
"Wherever you are, be all there." -Jim Elliot
"Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living." -Jim Elliot
Different ways to accept loneliness/plans that are not our own:
Rebellion- if this is the will of God for me now, He doesn't love me. Rejection- if this is what God is giving me, I won't have any part of it. Faith- God knows exactly what He's doing. Acceptance- He loves me; He plans good thigns for me; I'll take it.
"Every reminder that aroused a longing had to be offered up."
Over the past day and a half I have been devouring Elisabeth Elliot's Passion and Purity and her and Jim's life have been BLOWING ME AWAY. Honestly, it just really makes me evaluate my life, my faith. Not compare it, but evaluate it. I'm sure everyone knows their story so I won't go into detail.
I just cannot imagine having your husband die, that you finally got to marry just a few years before, with a 10 month old baby. I can't imagine STAYING nearby and meeting an "ex-Auca" woman and learning Quichua from her, I can't imagine being invited back to the very forest and tribe that killed your husband, and forgiving them and loving them and pressing on so they might know the Good News. I can't imagine translating the Bible for the first time in a new language, and seeing such transformation that they no longer call themselves "the savage" anymore.
I want to press on to have such a real, tangible relationship with my Jesus and to have such a faith that I would be gladly willing to die for Him. I would love to say with all my heart that that's where I'm at (much like Peter said he would when Jesus told him he would deny Him three times) but honestly, I don't think I'm there yet.
I feel like the fog is slowly lifting and I've been hearing some good things from the Lord, getting a few melodies/songs in my head, etc. More on that later......must go for now but just wanted to say how my world is being rocked right now!!
