Single life may be only a stage of a life's journey, but even a stage is a gift. God may replace it with another gift, but the receiver accepts His gifts with thanksgiving. This gift for this day. The life of faith is lived one day at a time, and it has to be lived - not always looked forward to as though the 'real' living were around the next corner. It is today for which we are responsible. God still owns tomorrow.
-Elisabeth Elliot
I especially related with the "not always looked forward to as though the 'real' living were around the next corner". That is PRECISELY how I feel I have been living my life--thank you for that conviction, Lord, and thank you for THIS day...and for tomorrow, however it may go..
It's been almost a month since I've returned from CR, and long story short....
I was doing great, spiritually speaking, in CR. I learned a ton, just grew a lot closer to the Lord, and heard from Him that when I got back I needed to really follow hard after Him, that there would be a lot more attack after getting back. He was right, and I unfortunately didn't do that. I slunk (probably a word I just invented) back into my sinful nature and mostly, just got lazy about our relationship. Along with not having to do a ton upon my return, I just didn't put forth much effort to grow in and seek the Lord. Honestly, super honest, I can think of maybe two times I have cracked open my Bible and just been refreshed since CR. It has been atrocious! That is not to say God hasn't been working in my life, with me and my family, or that I haven't not wanted to grow in love more with the Lord. But still, probably one of my lowest lows.....
I can tell when there is that dullness and indifference and no longer a sensitive heart that sees people how God does or sees the things of God how they really are. When there is a laziness to draw near to God, even if He meets me halfway. When I see the idols in my life but can't seem to give them up.
But I don't want to dwell on this part, because it is not what our gracious Father dwells on.
Despite what I've done, He still pursues me, reminding me a lot of Hosea and the prostitute wife.
He soothes me with reminders of a good future for me, and the joy in TODAY.
He is humble enough to wait for me to come back to Him, and He knows I will....
He is patient and loving and gentle and kind and gracious....
Convicting, yes. Grieved, sometimes yes. Saddened, probably.
Thank you Jesus that your yolk is easy and your burden is light.
Jesus is calling me to get away. I need to get away and pour out my heart to Him. I am to write Him a long letter, to resurrender every little thing, to confess and repent my sin, to ask Him to fill me with an ability to love Him well, and others well, to show me His love in new ways, to fill me with renewed passion, to be reminded of just how AWESOME even a drop of His presence is, to be alikened to Him more and more....I just want to be oozing Jesus.
Please be praying and thank you for loving me like Jesus does. I am so grateful.
I'll update soon how things are going. I know they can only get better though!! :)
Suse
PS> I am in a 4 room this year, still on the 3rd floor, with a returning girl named Kellie, who I love (even though we're completely different), a freshman named Amalia (from REDDING, CA!) who is a little shy and nervous but real and sweet, and a sophmore new to Charis named Kendra who is bubbly and funny and sweet. I think it will be a little hard at first but I can tell it will be a great, and life changing year.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Midnight Snack for Thought
So, soo many thoughts swirling around in my 20 yr old brain right now...I guess that's what I get for not blogging for ages :)
But really...where do I start?? Everyday I feel I have been mentally writing blogs in my head, but the list is too long and prioritizing them is mentally taxing.
I'm gonna start with what I'm dealing with RIGHT NOW--then move out.
Without fail, on these late lazy summer nights where just Jesus and I are up, hanging out in my bed, I get antsy for the future and my daydreaming {or night dreaming, I should say} goes full speed. Now don't laugh~well, do if you want to~ but I get so impatient to have children, to have babies, where I sit on Word and pen out names for over an hour...or read about pregnancy, or read mom blogs. You name it. I know 100% that now is not that chapter in my life, and it's probably not coming soon either, but perhaps being a mother is so part of who He made me to be...that I already miss my children.
I miss my Abel Jaem or my Nollie Fe or my Mairyn Luceia or my Kiam Adlai. Just maybe--or maybe 12:52 just does something to you.
Which, by the way, I seem to always have to write late at night.
The other day when I was riding in the car, I think, the Lord declared to me something like, "My Lily, that same spot you have for loving your future kids, the Love that occupies that space is love that gets to be poured out on other people. You are still a mother, because I made you to be a nurturer and giver."
The grass is always greener on the other side, I guess. But for now I have chosen that this side of the fence is pretty green and that I will enjoy every moment of this special era in my life where I have a whole quiet bed to myself, where I can sleep through the night without being woken up, where an idea hits me and I can leave spontaneously, where I have more time to get to worship and know my Lord-although I'm still learning to prioritize my time-where I can live with 47 amazing sisters and friends in community and glean off of them and nurture, where I can be shaped more and more every day into the woman Jesus made me to be and be that much more selfless, loving, wise and full of his Spirit. I know that many mothers may envy the life I have now--so free of duty, so full of time and relaxation and sleep...full of freedom and whatever else it is I have.
But that never stops me from thinking of my future and praying that He would be so kind to bless me with a man that was so perfectly made for me and children that I can hardly believe are mine.
And having a best friend getting married this summer, and 3 others next summer, does not exactly rein in my excitement~envy~joy~impatience.
ON THE RELATIONSHIPS FRONT~~~
Ever since returning from Costa Rica, the Lord has been DRASTICALLY changing the family scene. One of the hugest things I learned there {and in my life period} was 1 Cor. 13:11:
When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.
Read that for the first time and it was such a blow--such a GOOD blow--on my childish spirit that wanted to hold on-and not put away-childish things. I always figured that as you grew up, you matured and those childish things disappeared. But it was made blatantly clear to me that I need to PUT AWAY these things!! The shameful, ridiculous ways I would act with my parents and siblings, perhaps trying to stretch out the most horrific years of my life, were brought up.
I think all this happened when I turned 20 {yikes...it still feels funky typing that}. I was suddenly panicked and confused why I still acted and thought and spoke the way I did (do) sometimes and perhaps my subconscious theory that by the time I was 20 I would be a perfectly mature, independent, skinnier {ha}, gracious adult.
By NO MEANS am I suddenly perfect with my fam or even close, and I also see that my theory was rather unrealistic and nor was it based on the grace of God.
Just a few details so you can get the gist:
-have been working with my dad at the construction sites, and we have been getting along pretty much the whole time, I have been feeling a more effortless Love float out from me, being more polite and gracious, learning to hold my tongue which is a huge one, and even enjoying time with him.
-have been having a lot more respect for Bruce, made him an omelet last night when usually all I can manage to do is avoid him.
-still been getting along great with Bev
-ironically been having more conflicts with my mom (who I always got along the best with) but nothing big, just small frustrations and controversy of beliefs. I love my mom, but am sometimes afraid I will turn into her when I am a mom.
Baby steps....but the Lord is definitely answering my many prayers and healing me in places I didn't even know existed. Please be praying with me in these areas.
ON THE SCHOOL FRONT~~~~
Tomorrow night starts leader weekend, and in 2 days, I will find out my roommates (that is, IF I am with any leaders/returning girls) and my room. Even though it seems little, please be praying for the transition next year of room. The last two years I have been in the 6 room where I had AMAZING roommates and it was always very comfortable. I have a feeling next year might be a little out of my comfort zone. I'll let you know how it goes.
Last year my words for the year were transparency and boldness. I didn't really know how prophetic they would be--I learned transparency as I recounted my life story~problems and victories~to my house of girls and friends-and boldness as I led worship each week and learned to rely on the Spirit and to turn my gaze from forty plus faces to my Lover.
Today I heard word that humility and gentleness were this years words. I know that I'll need humility and gentleness leading worship a second year, and more so, in my daily life. I have been convicted of all the times I have talked instead of listened, spoke without thinking and hurt someone, let a boastful sentence slip, etc...by the grace of God I still have my friends and He still loves me the same...and I ask Him daily to help me control my tongue and have a childlike faith while not having a childish faith.
Many times I ask-or more like TELL the Lord...TAME ME!!!
And He says, I do not want to. But I will MOLD you. I love your wild and messy and beautiful heart, your randomness and creativity and perspective that no one else sees. You are mine. However, let me shape you, let my Holy Spirit do his work among you and when you have my Spirit, you will have self-control...and everything you need for life and godliness. Susannah, I need you for your personality and what you have to offer.
WOW! I am so in love with Him. So,so,so.
Anyways, school...I am ready to be back in nearly 3 weeks. I love the fresh slate aspect of the new school year, new classes, brand new relationships, new weather, new haircuts...new revelations.
By the way...please be praying for a JOB this year for me as many-most people have already been hired and are training before school starts. I haven't heard back from the place I applied to and spoke to the manager...so I honestly have no idea what to do and it has really been put on my heart to work this year. Please pray for favor!!!!
Woa, there are so many other things I wanna say, but I must be getting to bed. More to come.
But really...where do I start?? Everyday I feel I have been mentally writing blogs in my head, but the list is too long and prioritizing them is mentally taxing.
I'm gonna start with what I'm dealing with RIGHT NOW--then move out.
Without fail, on these late lazy summer nights where just Jesus and I are up, hanging out in my bed, I get antsy for the future and my daydreaming {or night dreaming, I should say} goes full speed. Now don't laugh~well, do if you want to~ but I get so impatient to have children, to have babies, where I sit on Word and pen out names for over an hour...or read about pregnancy, or read mom blogs. You name it. I know 100% that now is not that chapter in my life, and it's probably not coming soon either, but perhaps being a mother is so part of who He made me to be...that I already miss my children.
I miss my Abel Jaem or my Nollie Fe or my Mairyn Luceia or my Kiam Adlai. Just maybe--or maybe 12:52 just does something to you.
Which, by the way, I seem to always have to write late at night.
The other day when I was riding in the car, I think, the Lord declared to me something like, "My Lily, that same spot you have for loving your future kids, the Love that occupies that space is love that gets to be poured out on other people. You are still a mother, because I made you to be a nurturer and giver."
The grass is always greener on the other side, I guess. But for now I have chosen that this side of the fence is pretty green and that I will enjoy every moment of this special era in my life where I have a whole quiet bed to myself, where I can sleep through the night without being woken up, where an idea hits me and I can leave spontaneously, where I have more time to get to worship and know my Lord-although I'm still learning to prioritize my time-where I can live with 47 amazing sisters and friends in community and glean off of them and nurture, where I can be shaped more and more every day into the woman Jesus made me to be and be that much more selfless, loving, wise and full of his Spirit. I know that many mothers may envy the life I have now--so free of duty, so full of time and relaxation and sleep...full of freedom and whatever else it is I have.
But that never stops me from thinking of my future and praying that He would be so kind to bless me with a man that was so perfectly made for me and children that I can hardly believe are mine.
And having a best friend getting married this summer, and 3 others next summer, does not exactly rein in my excitement~envy~joy~impatience.
ON THE RELATIONSHIPS FRONT~~~
Ever since returning from Costa Rica, the Lord has been DRASTICALLY changing the family scene. One of the hugest things I learned there {and in my life period} was 1 Cor. 13:11:
When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.
Read that for the first time and it was such a blow--such a GOOD blow--on my childish spirit that wanted to hold on-and not put away-childish things. I always figured that as you grew up, you matured and those childish things disappeared. But it was made blatantly clear to me that I need to PUT AWAY these things!! The shameful, ridiculous ways I would act with my parents and siblings, perhaps trying to stretch out the most horrific years of my life, were brought up.
I think all this happened when I turned 20 {yikes...it still feels funky typing that}. I was suddenly panicked and confused why I still acted and thought and spoke the way I did (do) sometimes and perhaps my subconscious theory that by the time I was 20 I would be a perfectly mature, independent, skinnier {ha}, gracious adult.
By NO MEANS am I suddenly perfect with my fam or even close, and I also see that my theory was rather unrealistic and nor was it based on the grace of God.
Just a few details so you can get the gist:
-have been working with my dad at the construction sites, and we have been getting along pretty much the whole time, I have been feeling a more effortless Love float out from me, being more polite and gracious, learning to hold my tongue which is a huge one, and even enjoying time with him.
-have been having a lot more respect for Bruce, made him an omelet last night when usually all I can manage to do is avoid him.
-still been getting along great with Bev
-ironically been having more conflicts with my mom (who I always got along the best with) but nothing big, just small frustrations and controversy of beliefs. I love my mom, but am sometimes afraid I will turn into her when I am a mom.
Baby steps....but the Lord is definitely answering my many prayers and healing me in places I didn't even know existed. Please be praying with me in these areas.
ON THE SCHOOL FRONT~~~~
Tomorrow night starts leader weekend, and in 2 days, I will find out my roommates (that is, IF I am with any leaders/returning girls) and my room. Even though it seems little, please be praying for the transition next year of room. The last two years I have been in the 6 room where I had AMAZING roommates and it was always very comfortable. I have a feeling next year might be a little out of my comfort zone. I'll let you know how it goes.
Last year my words for the year were transparency and boldness. I didn't really know how prophetic they would be--I learned transparency as I recounted my life story~problems and victories~to my house of girls and friends-and boldness as I led worship each week and learned to rely on the Spirit and to turn my gaze from forty plus faces to my Lover.
Today I heard word that humility and gentleness were this years words. I know that I'll need humility and gentleness leading worship a second year, and more so, in my daily life. I have been convicted of all the times I have talked instead of listened, spoke without thinking and hurt someone, let a boastful sentence slip, etc...by the grace of God I still have my friends and He still loves me the same...and I ask Him daily to help me control my tongue and have a childlike faith while not having a childish faith.
Many times I ask-or more like TELL the Lord...TAME ME!!!
And He says, I do not want to. But I will MOLD you. I love your wild and messy and beautiful heart, your randomness and creativity and perspective that no one else sees. You are mine. However, let me shape you, let my Holy Spirit do his work among you and when you have my Spirit, you will have self-control...and everything you need for life and godliness. Susannah, I need you for your personality and what you have to offer.
WOW! I am so in love with Him. So,so,so.
Anyways, school...I am ready to be back in nearly 3 weeks. I love the fresh slate aspect of the new school year, new classes, brand new relationships, new weather, new haircuts...new revelations.
By the way...please be praying for a JOB this year for me as many-most people have already been hired and are training before school starts. I haven't heard back from the place I applied to and spoke to the manager...so I honestly have no idea what to do and it has really been put on my heart to work this year. Please pray for favor!!!!
Woa, there are so many other things I wanna say, but I must be getting to bed. More to come.
Love and blessings,
**Suse**
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Back!
It is true...I am back!
Back to blogging, that is. Sorry I haven't written in forever, I'm finally slowing down to where I can even remotely think about it.
There has been so much good stuff going on spiritually, especially that happened in Costa Rica, and of course things that I wish weren't still apart of my life. Sorry that was really vague--I will explain when I have some more time.
One quick fun thing...remember my aunt Megan who after years of trying to conceive, after 4 rounds of in vitro, with a 1% chance of making it got pregnant, well she and my uncle and cousin Bjorn (now 10) just visited and it almost brought me to tears to see such a living miracle. She is about 6 months pregnant with a perfectly healthy girl named Mia. My heart has been overflowing just from this news alone. I am grieving that they live so far away (Wheaton, IL), but still rejoicing that I will get to be a part of her life and that she will be such a blessing to her family. Hopefully she can be my flower girl someday :)
I gotta get going to bed but thanks for your prayers, I always appreciate them, and i will be updating more soon. Love you guys,
Suse
Back to blogging, that is. Sorry I haven't written in forever, I'm finally slowing down to where I can even remotely think about it.
There has been so much good stuff going on spiritually, especially that happened in Costa Rica, and of course things that I wish weren't still apart of my life. Sorry that was really vague--I will explain when I have some more time.
One quick fun thing...remember my aunt Megan who after years of trying to conceive, after 4 rounds of in vitro, with a 1% chance of making it got pregnant, well she and my uncle and cousin Bjorn (now 10) just visited and it almost brought me to tears to see such a living miracle. She is about 6 months pregnant with a perfectly healthy girl named Mia. My heart has been overflowing just from this news alone. I am grieving that they live so far away (Wheaton, IL), but still rejoicing that I will get to be a part of her life and that she will be such a blessing to her family. Hopefully she can be my flower girl someday :)
Us with my cousin/best friend Milly
I gotta get going to bed but thanks for your prayers, I always appreciate them, and i will be updating more soon. Love you guys,
Suse
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