Seeking First in 2012

Hello!
There are a great many things I could write about right now, but the one that stands out to me now is the concept of seeking the kingdom of God.

It says in Matthew 6:33: "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

I've been praying for a greater dose of faith as I have approximately $1,500 left to go for Israel. It feels like doing the dishes-you turn around, and there's way more than you thought left to go! It has been a little disheartening to say the least. I have to admit I have been living from my mind and flesh recently, being consumed with how can i earn money and what did i do wrong and what if it doesn't come in...
Today I was struck in a new way this gentle demand of the Lord's, SEEKING FIRST THE KINGDOM. I was challenged by what that looks like in my life. Matthew 6:33 doesn't say, "If you're smart, all these things will be added to you" or "If you're more frugal, all these things will be added to you" or even "If you're good enough all these things will be added to you". NO! With Him, it is always about the relationship! He just wants to be sought. He wants to be worshiped, to be explored, to be the bigger dream than even the things you ask of. He wants to be loved. And He wants His kingdom reflected in your life.
In two days, a new year begins. I don't do this often, but I really want my #1 desire and goal for 2012 to be seeking His kingdom like I never have before. And not just because I want/need "all these things". I was on a walk today where I blurted out to Him, "I just want to do Your will." He responded, "You want to have a full life in Me. That's what you want--living in my will is part of it."
It's true, I do want a full(er) life in Him. I feel like recently I've just been scraping along, trying to find my joy in people and the holidays and the future, which can be all too easy for me sometimes. I have been realizing how my life here could potentially already be 1/4 of the way over (not to be morbid)....and while it seems I have a lot of time left, I do not want to live the rest of that time like I have this quarter. I want to live each day with purpose and seeking His face...not perfect, but choosing life and love more often than not.

There are a few things that stand out that I really want to focus on--

~Abiding in Him--whether I'm in the prayer room on my knees, walking to class, in class, doing homework, talking to a girl at lunch, in the shower....I'm craving that constant communication which has been lacking. I just want to BE in His presence, no striving.
~Eating His Word--I want His word to be tattooed on my heart and mind....I want it to consume me and to guide me! I want to prioritize it more. I want it to captivate me again in a new way. (Not to mention I'm going to Israel and I don't think I'll look at the Bible the same ever again!)
~Discipline--I need to be refined by Him...and I need to still myself so I can hear Him. I want my words and actions to reflect everything I believe about Jesus. I want to develop healthy habits and disciplines that will be life giving.

This year is also a neccesary time to be intentionally fixing my affections towards Jesus....I always figured that in 2012 I would get married (first comes college, then comes marriage...etc.). While I have been increasingly content with the timing He has for me, it is still hard, especially with "everyone" around me in that boat. And my desire for children only grows by the day. Please pray for greater faith in these areas too.

Lastly, on January 9th when we all get back to school I am speaking to the house about "guarding your heart". Please pray for insight & confidence for me as I pray about it/speak and that He would use me.

P.S> Not lastly! ;-) I am basically deciding the teaching route I am going next month--bilingual (a much larger leap of faith, scares me to death, exhilarating, what I feel called to) or ESOL (less stress, perhaps less of what I really want to do, the "easy" way out). Not a super big deal in the scheme of things, but still a decision that will carry consequences (not all bad) in the upcoming years. I've been feeling very unconfident in my Spanish as I haven't had a good place to use it and I just hear whispers of failure all around me for student teaching next year! Pray that He would reiterate my identity to me.

I appreciate every prayer, thank you!!!
Blessings to all in 2012, He is soo good and faithful!!

(my little miracle cousin Mia and I over Christmas :-)

Loving Our Kids

It may seem way too early for most people, but I have been wanting to read "Loving Our Kids on Purpose" (Danny Silk) for some time now, and I am finally getting the chance over Christmas break! (this 4 week break is amazing for a lot of reasons!) I figure being a mom is probably still years down the road, but I want to have as much wisdom as possible beforehand, since I feel it is one of my biggest callings! :-) Not only does it change the way to think about parenting, but it has been mindblowing, changing the way I think about how God the Father interacts with me. It has also allowed me to see how the way I was raised wasn't 100% a reflection of the Kingdom of Heaven (I already knew that--but it is good to see things clearly and to be able to forgive as they come up). It's good just to soak in truth.
I think so far the line that has gotten to me the most is "The way we live our lives shows Jesus the value we have for our connection with Him."
I long to have such a strong heart-to-heart connection with my Jesus above all else, and to have that reflected someday in my parenting.
Somewhere in these four weeks I am also finishing the last two weeks of Breaking Free (from summer), working with my dad in construction, visiting with family from Chicago, making Christmas gifts with as little money possible, just resting,and much more.
The last few days I have felt little injections of faith being shot into my heart, regarding finances, the future, etc. which is a blessing. Thank you so much for your prayers--pray that I will continue to rest and hear from the Lord over the break.
Blessings!

My Dreams

Today in church we sang a song and part of it really got to me today.
"All of my ambitions, hopes and plans..I surrender these into Your hands.."

For a long time I had felt a little disconnected from the Lord and even feeling like He didn't want to fulfill any of my dreams or that He was going to withhold from me. I wasn't trusting His goodness, and was believing silly lies. Today I walked to Qdoba after my run, my favorite restaurant where I always have some of the best times with the Lord, and I clearly heard him say to me, "I want you to tell me all your dreams, every dream you've ever had, any hope or plan you've formed in your heart." I think at first I kind of rolled my eyes at Him (oops, sorry Lord! :-) and he said, "No, seriously, I want you to tell me!" It was interesting to verbally be able to express everything I have/have had in my heart. I heard the Lord say, "Ok...I want to surpass those."
AHHH!
I think that those times when we feel him "withholding" or "not answering our prayers" or "ignoring us" or "trying to punish us", he is really just saying..."I actually have something in mind that you will like far better!" ...or that will be better for me. Or that maybe my timing is imperfect.
Another thing I realized about my dreams is that they were all kind of surfacy. I mean, wanting a husband and kids and all are big things, but most things were circumstancial. I feel He is challenging me to ask for things that require more faith and that have more Kingdom value. Yes, He dearly loves my heart and all the things I have already asked--but He wants to do more work. He WANTS to answer more, and things that I think would never happen.

He is blowing my mind! I have four more days of school and then I'm off to a fall retreat with the Calvary college group in Sunriver. I'm SO looking forward to the rest and what God is going to do, as well as getting to know more people!

Also, my testimony went well last week, thanks for the prayers! He always uses the weak to lead the strong.
Well, I should get back to my schoolwork.....
oh, also, I will be fasting from sugar this week....feel like that's been controlling me a bit lately.
Have a great week!

racing...peppermint hot chocolate...my future

This will be a somewhat random post...but then again, nothing too unusual ;-)

One of my new dear friends, Carissa, works at Starbucks and she often brings home drinks to surprise people. Today I was the lucky recipient and I woke up and walked out to the study room to find a peppermint hot chocolate on my desk (how did she know it was my fave?? anyways.:) I was about to go for a run (more on that later) but I saw this large drink and thought, "well, I better drink this now!" I heard the Lord invitingly call me back to my bed to have some good quality time with Him. "Come drink some hot chocolate with me, and spend time with me!" I definitely felt His extravagant love--of giving without expectations.

It had been a rough last couple days wallowing in my flesh, and I knew that I had been avoiding this time--but praise the Lord, He broke through that and spoke truth to me.

This same friend also inspired me to think about running a 15k race (9.3 mi) this March in Portland. I had started running regularly this summer but dropped it once school started. However, having this goal and challenge in mind has motivated me to start running again! I can now go up to about 4 miles. The Lord is using this so much already to teach me about my walk with Him. And not surprisingly, he has pointed out Hebrews 12 to me multiple times, about stripping off everything that hinders us and entangles us to run the race with perseverance. There is so much "stripping down" he has to do in me, and I feel I am so much more aware of that when I am running and I have something physical to relate to. He wants me to be able to run lighter, freer, longer, harder. My eyes are straight ahead, not looking to the right or left in comparison, but Ahead to the Author and Perfector of my faith.

And I can't tell you how many people I have told about this race in my excitement (there are around 15 or so girls that are also doing it now!) Yesterday when I was running, he clearly said, "The more people know, the less you can back out."

This is true in both senses of the word. I can't back out of this 15k, now that I have so many people keeping me accountable. In my community of believers, I couldn't back out of a relationship with Jesus if I wanted to; there are too many and they love me too much. (although yes, I still have free will--just like I could decide not to run the 15k).

Running is still very painful at times and I ask myself WHY am I doing this?! I would much rather just walk or bike. But the great race that we're in now isn't always pleasurable--sometimes it is hard and sacrificial--but it is always worth it, and our prize is glorious.

Jesus believes in me. He chose me first. He loved me first. This is a revolutionary truth when I am making decisions about the future--today for instance. I had an advising appointment so I could find more info about/apply for the bilingual endorsement (teaching in Spanish and English) or just the ESOL (helping non-native English speaking students). The last few years my gut instinct has been to teach in Spanish and English, but lately I have wavered due to my lack of confidence in my abilities to do so. When I am making decisions, are they based off of my flesh or off of faith? I hope today I made a decision of faith when I chose to do the bilingual endorsement, which scares the crap out of me but...does require a massive amount of faith in Him who called me. And since that meeting, I have felt increasing JOY and excitement. Though some obstacles do intimidate me, I am glad if this is the path He has chosen for me, because He wants to PROSPER me. (Jer 29:11)

 And I can't express how much I am in love with Hispanic kids and how I long to be their teacher--and their role model--someone they would visit in years to come, someone that whispered Jesus to them, maybe spoke into some of their giftings. Someone that quieted their nerves about living in a different country (or maybe just a crazy white woman that really loved them. ;-)

There is a good chance that I would get to stay and teach in Corvallis, as there is a need...and that thrills me, but really I could go anywhere...and that overwhelms me, for I want to go EVERYWHERE. Every time I look at a map my mind races at all the options. Lucky for me, Jesus is my Shepherd and will lead me to green pastures. He knows where I am to be, and He loves giving good gifts. Haha. How amazing! I am so excited for the adventure that is the future but trying to remember to keep both feet planted here for the time being as I love on 40-some college girls and read and study for copious amounts of time to pass classes I need to pass to be a teacher. My hands are open, and who knows what He will give and take away. I am not to boast about tomorrow, for I am not even promised tomorrow.

p.s. please pray for me on monday night, I am giving my testimony to the house!

Thanks for letting me spill that out...I have no emotions left now! ;-)

Thoughts from the Library

Here I am, on the 6th floor of the library, in a nice, secluded, quiet room (quite the opposite of Charis :) Lately I have been consumed with anxiety about my future and I wanted to get some thoughts out.

First, being in the house, especially as "house mom", you don't particularly feel the urge to go and study all the time..and in fact can be quite a feat if you get distracted as easily as I do :-) There are girls to talk to, fun to be had, etc...not to mention, I have SO much reading to do that I don't even know where to start..so sometimes I DON'T, which makes me even further behind...
So that's been my life the past 2 weeks thus far!

I am going to start fasting and praying soon about why my motivation for school is lacking, if I am truly on the right path, and how He can be a bigger part of my studies, driving everything I do.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my education advisor where I turned in a packet of things to move onto the next level--get accepted into the double degree program. (education + Spanish). NEXT WEDNESDAY I will have a professional interview with a few staff members and a few other students and that will ultimately determine if I get in or not.
{I also found out I will be graduating Spring '13, which is almost 2 more years of school including student teaching. I will most likely be student teaching in an awesome bilingual school here..and who knows, maybe the Lord will let me stay here for a while to teach!}
I have been feeling super attacked about it and feeling that I am completely incapable, stupid, and unconfident, that they will think that I have no potential. I have realized that these are lies, but I'm finding it hard to really believe what He says is truth.
I had an 'aha' moment last year when He told me the reason I wasn't feeling super motivated in school/doing as well in school was because I had always thought it the back of my head that I was stupid, and that I shouldn't even try because I was so unintelligent. I think this is creeping back in again.
I do know there is so much I need to grow in when it comes to teaching--especially in Spanish, ahh! But I always think about how strongly he has placed this desire on my heart since I was 4 years old.
So anyways, if you could be praying for the interview next week and just that I will be believing His truth and that my confidence would be in Him. I just want His will to be done in this situation--and in the grand scheme of things, this is just a little blimp on the radar (yet something He cares about so much!)
Also continued prayer for balancing my girls and school. Even if I do do all the studying I need to, I want to appear and be available to them. I also need to do pretty well in the rest of my classes I take, so my diligence will only need to improve.

I want my eyes and heart to be focused on the KINGDOM OF HEAVEN above all else. Which can be hard to do in this environment where all are focused so heavily on careers.

Thanks for letting me ramble. I appreciate all the love and prayers! Time to get to studying now ;-)
Suse

Divine appointment in Newport

I have a fun story to tell. May God receive all the glory!

The last few weeks, up till yesterday, were kind of dry. Not super bad but just not super fulfilling. Not really spending that much QT with Him. Ya know.

Today I had my mom's car and I was gonig to drive back to Corvallis at some point during the day. So many possibilites of what to do, I never have a car! On the way there I just started being honest with the Lord and started pouring out my heart to Him. It's a blessing there wasn't a CD in the car, otherwise I would have just sung in auto-pilot. But it was just me an' Him.
He met me there, and he started singing songs over me, beautiful ones. My heart was being filled and places being healed. I knew that today was just supposed to be me and Him! Suddenly I had an intense craving to go to the beach, just the two of us. Had never done that before.
Then I suddenly decided to call a friend from Charis and see if she wanted to come. She couldn't, which confirmed it was just supposed to be us. I dropped in at Charis and threw some things together, and hit the road. {When I have a goal in mind, I get super impatient and hurry as fast I can to get there ASAP. It's probably a good thing I"m not married yet--I can't be waiting for people! haha)
Also, I was a little hesitant at first to go, because I had been feeling guilty about spending money, even for gas. The Lord was teaching me a load of things today, including the truth that He gives me permission to be extravagant in order to love Him sometime. The purpose of the day just reverberated LOVING HIM--and no one else. I actually kept thinking i was going to run out of gas on the way to Newport. He kept saying, "stop looking at the meter. I'll get you to the gas station." Even though I had to keep checking, He indeed got me there. I filled up, and because the traffic was crazy to turn left to where I needed to go, I turned right, then left into the Thriftway parking lot. As I was about to exit the lot, I saw nearby on the sidewalk an older lady in a wheelchair with glasses staring into space, holding a cardboard sign that I couldn't read because of the size. There was also a fellow a few yards away under a tree that looked homeless.
Instantly I knew I was supposed to talk to them, do something. I had given up more opportunities in my lifetime than I've liked, and it wasn't about to happen again. Besides, I was finally alone which gave me the freedom to stop, and i could easily park nearby.
I parked the car and prayed (a little frantically!) to the Lord. I just asked for boldness over and over, and the Holy Spirit. I asked for words and wisdom. Then I got out, approached the lady in the wheelchair and introduced myself. Her name was Louise. The sign read something like "An act of kindness or charity" implying that she needed some kind of help. As I talked to her, she pointed out her left leg that looked burned, and she explained she had gotten in a bike accident and it had become infected. "I'm out of penicillin, the doctors didn't give me enough penicillin..."
I asked her what she would like.
I first thought to ask her about food, and she agreed to me getting some for her. She mentioned she'd just been eating a lot of garlic and peanut butter. She motioned to Kenneth, the guy, and told me to talk to him and see what would be good for her to eat. I met Kenneth, a person rough on the outside but sweet on the inside.
Sandwiches, he said. And ice cream? I asked. Nah, you don't have to do that.
With a smile in my heart I paced around Thriftway stoked to be able to bless them. A few large sandwiches, apples and Haagen Daz bars later, I first went to Louise to give her the food. She thanked me and before I knew it I was declaring to her that the Lord loves her....that He wants her to know Him...that she has so much hope...(by this time I was sobbing..and that never happens)....that he is alive right now and listens to her....
Right away, tears were flowing down her cheecks, although she tried to maintain a straight a face. "I grew up Catholic..." was one of the first things she said. She didn't have many words, but I could tell something shifted in her spirit. I asked if I could pray for her, and there on my knees I prayed for her, not caring about the strange looks I must have been getting. :-) She was crying some more. I wanted to give her my phone number, and we had a good laugh as I tried to get a pen out of my purse and found melted chocolate over everything (typical). As I gave it to her I also mentioned I live in Corvallis, go to OSU, and her eyes lit up a little before saying she and Kenneth go there for doctor appointments and such. I told her to feel free to call me anytime, I'd love to see them again. We said goodbye and then I went over to Kenneth.
I gave him his food, and sat down next to him. In similar fashion, I started pouring out the truth about the Lord to Him. He also started tearing up and trying to hold it in. He says he talks to God every day. But that sometimes he wonders if He hears him. Yay! A lie detected that I would get to shine His light on. I honestly can't remember what all I said, but I trust the Spirit was talking :-) He was also very thankful and he seemed excited that he might get to come visit sometime. I waved goodbye as I drove off.
About 12 minutes later, as I pulled up to my favorite beach, I looked over and noticed the bag with Louise's food! I was immediately bummed--I was so excited I forgot to leave the food! :-) Immediately I sped out of there and went back to the store to return the food. As I turned into the place where they were, my heart sank as I saw no sign of them.
I told God I wanted to see them again and to please help me find them!
About 5 minutes later, I saw a man in a wheelchair by the Thriftway. Well, maybe at least I can give it to someone. My heart was already aching thinking about just taking off with the food and Louise being disappointed. As I drew nearer, I saw it was Kenneth! I got excited and he said she was just going to come out of the store. Excitedly I called her name when she got out and I handed her the bag. It seemed like a wave of hope had hit her, praise the Lord. "I just wanted to say hi to you guys again!" I said with a laugh. We said goodbye and I ran off to the car (of course I had left my keys on the seat :)
I arrived at the beach and my joy level was off the radar!!!! I was laughing, crying, yelling, singing and dancing to the Lord. Felt so joyful to be used by Him, especially because I was so weak and He helped me. Such a small thing, but in a big way He increased hundred fold my faith and joy!  He was teaching me so much today.
I enjoyed the {wonderful, Oregon, freezing} water and laid on my blanket as He taught me some more from the Word. (that's another post). Then I put on my running shoes and ran as the sunset joined me. It was exhilarating and the Lord was romancing me to no ends.
Here are some pics of tonight:

Praying that He sends some more divine appointments my way; they are way too fun to pass up! :-) He is soo good, may He get all the glory and praise.

Precious Vases

So Jesus has this beautiful light filled room in Heaven that has a shelf in it.

This shelf is chalk-full with a stunning array of different vases, each vase being a dream or desire or vision of my heart.

He doesn't forget about these vases, which is why the room is always lit with a warmish yellow glow.

He is currently working in the garden outside the room, tending to the vast myriad of flowers, multi-colored, of course. He joyfully and diligently prepares the flowers and bouquet that he yearns to fill the vases with. 

The shelf never lingers lonely enough to accumulate dust. The Father brushes it off, beams with pride. An angel visits the room, admiring the vases, which brings Him more glory.  

Sometimes I feel that he has forgotten about my many empty vases---but this is far from the truth.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

{Proberbs 13:12}

The last week or so it has been overwhelming at times to feel such longing, especially to get married and for kids. Sometime it aches in the pit of my stomach. Sometimes I am confused. Frustrated. Bitter. Envious. Impatient.
But lately I have been picturing my shelf, "Lily's Shelf" in the Lord's room where he has not forgotten a single thought of mine.

"How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!" {Psalm 139:17}

If you see this

Nollie Fe, Liv Sela, Kiam Bréde, Abel Jaem

Nollie, Kiam, Liv and Abel

on my computer screen, you know I have been dreaming about my future younguns! :-)

With that said, I have been enjoying basking in the Presence and Healing of my sweet Jesus. I know I have a long journey ahead of me, but today He wants to just enjoy the day with me! Ahhhh he has sooo much He just wants to bestow on me, let my heart be open to receive it in grace and faith!

Summer is going well. Busy but well. School, tree flagging, Breaking Free (Beth Moore), good friends, weddings and my banjo have been taking up a good chunk of my life.

Here is a little update of my life through pictures (some a little older :-)

The Lord is relentless.

Well, back to procrastinating! :-)

"Don't you worry honey, life is more than just money..."

I was walking back from Freddy's today and was consumed with thoughts of worry about $$ and how I was going to be able to pay x about of expenses. Then I listened for a sec and heard the Lord sing over me "Don't you worry honey..."
I got all settled in at Charis last night with my friend Rebes in our new room and we went grocery shopping for the first time as independents. So weird. Anyway, although the Lord has been SOO generous and good in providing a job for me, at least till mid July (more details later!), there are still a lot of holes to be filled financially, especially with school stuff, and just thinking about Israel stresses me out. I don't want to live day-to-day in stress and fear.
It seems He keeps bringing me back to Matthew 6 like every day. Today He zoomed in on the part that says "Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs..." (vs. 31)
Nothing I ask or tell Him shocks or overwhelms Him. Disappoints Him. Puts a load on Him that He can't bear. Why do I have so little faith?! His eyes pierces through my life to the needs and desires I can't even fathom. I know He journals about my life every day, His thoughts outnumber the grains of sand...surely He has some solutions up His sleeve! Surely He is my Shepherd and my Daddy and my Portion.
I wonder if I will ever get this lesson down pat or if every time, He will need to teach me to trust. Either way, I am trying to live out "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." (Matt 6:34)
On the bright side, I am already enjoying living here and I KNOW that it is a summer of intense growth, discipline, healthy habits and also fun and enjoying my favorite season of the year.
My bed calls.

Because I need to procrastinate...

I will give you an update! ;-)

Tomorrow, I will...
take my last final, finish my last paper and be done with school!!!!!
go home to see my grandma from Texas
turn in my ISRAEL DEPOSIT!! (thank you LORD)

Wednesday, I will
turn around and go BACK to Corvallis, because I will be talking to the OWNER OF COLD STONE :-) Please pray for favor! I am completely amazed at the Lord's timing in provision.
come back to Portland...

Friday, I will
see my cousin and best friend graduate high school!
meet my baby cousin Mia (and spend more time with fam)!! :-)

It is a good and full week. Thank you for all the prayers that have been sent out on my behalf.

Stream of Consciousness

SOO much has been going on lately...so many thoughts, so many revelations, so many ups and downs....I thought I would just express the ones that come to mind first.

-I'm finding myself right before dead week, feeling DEAD! Granted, I am taking 18 credits, but let's just say my to do list is one whole page long, and one item is "10 page research Spanish paper"....however, just 10 more days till relative freedom! haha

-I've been meditating on what true beauty really is and looks like. I've been striving to look into my heart more often than in the mirror.

-Jordan and I prayed for Blanca on Thursday (our last day volunteering of the term) for her back that was seriously injured in an accident years ago and for eating allergies that makes everything cause her stomach to hurt. She was grateful and open to us praying for her, and although we haven't heard anything yet, I know Jesus is going to start/continue to captivate her.

-I've been convicted of how I haven't been using my most basic gifts this year-- some, for a long time, some, for months. Including: just sitting down with an instrument and making music, my own song to the Lord....writing poems.....etc.

-I just want to KNOW THE LORD. Funny how years go by of "knowing the Lord" and yet you get to a place where you just WANT TO KNOW THE LORD. Maybe I'm the only one. I've also been strongly convicted of leaning heavily on others' revelations, stories, blogs, encounters, talents, and not making my relationship with the Lord my own. BAM. "Draw near to the Lord and He will draw near to you." So simple, yet so often I miss that. I told someone the other day how I just want to have an adventure everyday with Jesus, no matter where it is or what I'm doing.

-Pretty positive I am going to Israel :-) :-) please continue praying for peace and provision!

-Excited about rooming with one of my best friends, Rebes, again this summer! I have seen the Lord transform her life SOO much just in this year it is amazing to watch. Her love and joy for the Lord is so contagious...I am grateful to have a genuine friend like her--she is defnitely one of those I always prayed for! :-)

(Rebes and I at Garden Party, one week ago)

-Taking on more responsibilites for management...realizing more and more how stretched I will be! But also doing things that a year ago I would have been terrified of doing. The Lord is good and knows my limitations. I am so blessed though, to be doing this with my best friend Jules and we have already grown a lot closer through it. We are praying about studying spiritual gifts next year. (last year was Galatians-Colossians, this year was women of the Bible, etc...)

-Also, I will be kind of leading a summer small group with Rebes this summer for girls that are staying here (and there are many!) We will be doing the Breaking Free study!! Part of me is scared because I know how intense it is, but I know that it will be soo good and....freeing. I really need to be challenged this summer and grow a lot....and be prepared for the things He's gonna call me to next year.

-Feeling somewhat hopeless again about future husband, but at the same time not really dwelling on it. Part of me knows that he has to come sooner or later because of all the prayers that are forwarded to God on our behalf :-) Lately, I've really just been aching to have kids. My 21st birthday is next month and already I am feeling older, haha. I am so grateful for how the Lord is protecting me, though. I am grateful that I know WHY I am single. I am grateful that I am so grateful for Charis and that even now I am looking forward to all the new friendships I will make next year in my last year here. I am grateful I get to have fun every single day here, and get poured into and get to pour into.

-Adding onto that, so often i have prayed for my future husband and that God will be working in him. When I was on a bike ride the other day, God gently said, "what if it's YOU I'm waiting for?"  (not him). That was humbling. I still have so much healing and maturing to do. Also in the times when i would think of what my future husb would be like or what he would do for me, I have been stopping and thinking of ways that I could serve him or bless him. It is much more joyous and freeing.

-Looking forward to getting a banjo this summer (Lord willing! :) I have already had so many bits of songs run through my head, and I think, that would be so perfect for the banjo! There are times when I think, music is what I need to do the rest of my life. Feeling overwhelmed at times with my future.

-On that note, I've been feeling exceptionally foreign-country sick lately. I wish I had a problem with homesickness, but it is always the other. Just today my heart has longed to be in Costa Rica, Mexico, Florida, New Mexico, Alaska, Honduras, Cuba and Norway. It is so hard to think about so many opportunities, so many places, and wanting to do them ALL. Meet every single person, visit every single town. It overwhelms me consistently and I hope it's something He will free me from. Even thinking about going to Israel next spring break, part of me is thinking, "Why am I not going back to Costa Rica? I told them I'd visit as soon as possible..."  Then there's YWAM...which i KNOW i need to go to, but I have no idea when. Soo..you get the point!

-Excited to see Oma, my grandma in two weeks after 2 years of not seeing her! Also to finally get to meet my Mia girl in 2 weeks for Milly's graduation!!! :-)

-Well, that's probably quite enough of my heart right there! ;-) Better write another page before I go to bed. Thanks for reading this, and may you be blessed.

Ariana

Through my volunteering experience, I have met a wonderful, beautiful woman named *Ariana from El Salvador.
The first time I tutored her in English was a little over a month ago, and we got to talking about her story (with many difficult parts) and I felt such an overwhelming, heavy burden for her. I sensed opression and hurt. We also talked about her beliefs, and how she and her husband started going to a Gnostic group...it seems a little similar to Buddhism..she talked about how it was "so hard". Talked about mantras and weird prayers and dying to your self. There was then a pause and I felt I HAD to share..that Jesus had to overflow into my words! I got to briefly describe the relationship I have with Jesus and how it has given me life and love and peace. It was one of the few times I have taken the opportunity to just simply share about my life with a non-believer--and it just came out, naturally.
Ariana is 26, has been married for 10, has a few Salvadoreno friends here, but spends quite a bit of time alone. That is about to change! :-)
I then saw her again two weeks ago and I ended up mentioning Cold Stone somehow and she said how she'd never been there. Well anyways, tonight we went!! It was so beautiful...we had no problems talking (Spanish and English, of course :-) and it felt like such an honor to spend time with her even though she was thanking me profusely for everything. She already feels like a good friend. We have plans lined up for going to the movies, going to Pastini's where she works, going bike riding this summer, practicing my Spanish with her this summer (and vice versa), teaching her to knit, cooking Salvadorena food, even talking about her future kids that will hopefully be coming soon :) All this to say, I feel like we will be friends for a long time and that God put me in her life (and hers in mine) for a reason. I do not see her as a project or my "mission". All I know is that I'm supposed to, and that I yearn to love her with the love of Christ and that He will use me according to His will. And He is always faithful to give me the words. I started tearing up on the way home tonight just being so humbled that He could use me to be the person in her life to give her hope, and a taste of Jesus. I am so incapable on my own. ANYWAYS.

OHhhh...how could I forget. So you probably know I have been praying big time for a job this summer...anyways I was telling her about it today. She said very casually that it would probably be no problem to get me a job at Pastini's where she works. AND Qdoba, which is one of the top places I would love to work, because she also has a friend that works there! And I applied at a nearby Craft Store today because the opportunity arose and that also seems promising. I feel like today has been one big "HA!" from Jesus to all the doubts and insecurities I had about His providing.

Anyways, i am one fufilled girl today...rejoicing in His goodness. Looking forward to what tomorrow brings.

Blessings,
Suse

*name changed for privacy

PASS!

I got extremely exciting news yesterday that I PASSED my math re-take test!!!!! Now I can apply for the double degree program in June like I'm supposed to....phew, what a relief! The Lord is so faithful. I  knew, driving to Portland to take the test, that He told me it would be fine and that He would give me favor. Wow, He is so gracious. And not only that, but I got a higher score than my writing score! (which NEVER happens)

His love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me.

That's all for now, must get back to studying. Blessings~~~~

K- Two More Songs

Sometimes I have no words and just songs, like today. I have been listening to these two nonstop, and they're definitely worth the time.

 

You've got a hold on me Jesus! :-)

and

Without Your presence I'm not living!

Ahhhh......

Fresh Song

Lovin this song today.....

Be refreshed in the joy of the Lord!

Strike the strings on my heart

And I’ll sing your melodies

A hymn of love, songs of blood

Spilling from my mouth

And all of my praises, whoa oh oh oh oh

Belong to you

Pluck my heart like a harp

And sing salvations song

Your praises fill the air I breathe

With the sweetest melodies

And all of my praises belong to you

 

The Conflict of Joy

There's a lot of things swirling in my brain right now, but I've had one "issue" particular coming to mind.
"Weep with those who weep, rejoice with those who rejoice..." (Somewhere in the NT)
So many times I have been the victim, the self-pitying one that is envious of other people's joys. Many times. I am generally pretty good at rejoicing with them, even if I have to stare into my own pit afterwards. I love rejoicing when me and a friend are both in a "great" stage in life (I say "great" because I'm learning even the worst days God makes great..) The one I have been struggeling with lately is when everyone around me seems to be in a pit and I seem like the only one in the world to possess joy. {This is not meant to sound arrogant at all...like I said i've had my fair share of pits!} I tend to feel guilty when I share the awesome things Jesus is doing and saying in my life, and also if my prayer requests are more light hearted. I don't want to put my sister in Christ in a potential place of being envious or frustrated, etc. How do I both empathize and pour into a sister that is "in the pit" AND be honest about where I'm at without tension?
When it gets really bad, I start to question if I really do have joy and if it's ok. HA. Yes, that's where the enemy must come in. I am CALLED to have inexpressible joy....a deep joy that does not wither with circumstance.
"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy." -1 Pet. 1:8
The Lord is slowly teaching me things but I would also love any wisdom. I'm sensing humility is a key word and having the willingness to bear one another's burdens, while letting God's joy within me overflow and uplift that person.

Well, back to studying.......
Blessings!

Someone must have been praying for me

today because I was PRODUCTIVE and MANAGED MY TIME and did not fell bound to things that waste time! It's such a good feeling, maybe this will stick around for a while! :-)
21 credits, day 7 and I'm still alive!
The Lord is good.

CUTE!

Saw this the other day....doesn't it remind you of the childlike faith we are to have?!?!

:-)

I survived San Fran and I am more than happy to be back and to undertake this crazy term! The Lord showed me a lot over break and though it is not all easy stuff I am going through right now, I am learning to not dwell on the problems, the crap, the sin, the stress, the worries....and focus on HIM and who He is and what HE can do. It makes a world of a difference.

I thought it would be an appropriate time to bring up my life verse:

Psalm 73:21-26 NLT
"Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside.
I was so foolish and ignorant-I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.
YET I STILL BELONG TO YOU. You hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a GLORIOUS DESTINY.
Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth.
My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart; HE IS MINE FOREVER."

He is ours forever!!

Snippets

So much that I could say...here are some snippets in the life of Susannah!

||| Missing my future husband
||| Struggeling with trusting God about said man
||| Heard a little song snippet in my head in the shower today that went something like

I miss You too much when I go a day without coming to You~'cuz a day is too long when Your air fills my lungs and You made me, and You're madly in love with me

||| Sat down the other day with the Word and Jesus told me to read Jonah. It shocked me how many similarities there were between us--I feel like sometimes I want to run away from my Ninevah (Corvallis) and the Lord has recently been challenging the heart I have for students here. Am I passionate to see His mercy and grace and love save these people, or do I just want to see them "get what they deserve" for all the sin I see that entangles them! WOW. Ok, Lord.
||| Starting to plan some good ideas for next year--although the reality hasn't fully set in yet (thank you Jesus for protecting me from going insane already)
||| Missing Costa Rica A LOT....am so itching to leave the country again. Also, missing Mexico A LOT as I was there this time last year. 
||| Getting more and more excited to hopefully stay in Corvallis this summer....to take a few classes, work, live under one roof, fellowship with wonderful friends, bike ride every day, soak in the sun, etc...
||| Also getting excited for my crazy term next year, as crazy as that sounds. I'm mainly excited for my volunteer hours, which 4.5 hrs of the week will be spent at the nearby HS tutoring ESL students. Also, the class is great, which is about 17 of us, and Jordan my friend will also be in it, as well as two other awesome Christian girls. I'm praying the Lord will use us in great ways to share God's love. Also, roughly half the class is Hispanic so I always love that. :-)
||| Learning that sometimes I think catching up on people's awesome journeys with Jesus=having my own adventure with Jesus. I'm learning that can "feel legit" but when I look at the foundation it is weak. We're working on that one.
||| On a more random note, I am leaving for San Fran in about 3 hours; I should be sleeping but my stubborn self wanted to stay up until we left :-) Going with Dad, Bev and Miles. Should be fun but please pray.

Well, I might as well get an hour or two of sleep...;-)
Love you all and may you experience more of the Lord's grace today....
Suse

Surprise...

(me and Julie, 2 years ago)

it is indeed confirmed that we are set out to journey together managing Charis next year!

It is going to be a good year.

A little nervous? Check. A lot excited? Check. A little fearful? Check. Fully trusting in God? Check. 

Check, check, check.

So much more to say, but I am blown away by how the Lord has worked in our lives even just this year in preparing us and I know that He his faithful to complete His work through us, as scary as it is.

Getting some good ideas churned up! :-) Thank you for your prayers. Love,

me

Must Hear Song

This is my all-time favorite song right now. So simple, so powerful.

Please keep me in your prayers this week as details concerning next year are coming into place. :)

Have GREAT Thursday.

Fulfillment

Today I checked out the place I'll be volunteering next term (for a Spanish class, but at a Christian organization) and started teaching English to Hispanic adults, mainly new immigrants....
my heart was complete! :-) Especially when they started calling me "Susan" (nickname for Susana in the latin american world) and thanking me at the end when I just wanted to thank them. I am so blessed. Also the awesome woman that directs this ministry/program/whatev and gives me rides there knows a ton of people I do, including several of my best friends.
Anyways, I am so excited............it will be stretching and a little awkward at times and out of my comfort zone, but I am soo ready for it. Also, for the rest of my hours, I'll probably be helping teach ESL classes at the nearby high school.
Thank you Lord for the passions and gifting you have given me so I can give glory back to YOU!

The Famous Question, etc.

I have heard this my whole life, and I've heard it about three times this week,

How are you ever going to be a mom?

Brought on my faintheartedness and dizziness, grimacing and the sort when I hear or see something that borders something medical...all my friends, at least my good ones, know to just not talk about those things around me (or at least warn me to plug my ears). The newer ones ask the Famous Question.

Yah, I dunno.

I know one thing for sure that my husband better be good with that kind of stuff! :-) It is honestly a fear and dread and pain that looms in my heart when I look to the future. I want to be there for my kids and protect them. But this is something that I am not to worry about now and when and if that time comes, the Lord will take care of it...and I will surrender the fear to Him daily and live from Him daily.

That's the answer folks...

******************************************************************

Learning what a beautiful thing it is to just trust FOR THE DAY. I don't feel like the Lord has ever asked me to give up something in surrender, for the rest of my life, for a year, or even for this week. Many times he just wants me to trust him FOR THE DAY. This brings me so much peace and joy. It also gives me an opportunity to come to Him and rely on Him for something. There are so many things I must offer up in re-surrender to Him daily...much of the time regarding my future.

*****************************************************************

This is my Mia doll, my sweet little cousin/niece whom I have yet to meet but already have so much love for. My heart is aching to see them...

***************************************************************************

I have decided to take 21 credits next term and just feel the most peace about that. I know it will be crazy but honestly I'm excited for a little challenge and to see Jesus come through and help me. I'm still wanting to stay here (in Corvallis) for the summer and work.....so we'll see if the Lord agrees and that will be something fun to look forward to. My first summer "away from home". But I shouldn't be talking too fast. There's still snow on the ground ;-)

The Lord has already been providing for me in crazy random ways. From a check in the mail that was from several months ago for underpaid nannying, to babysitting tonight randomly, and not to mention all the blessings my wonderful friends bestow on me. I am so blessed and grateful.


****************************************************************************

I leave you with one of my most favorite songs right now! Kinda a different sound but I love it.

He is ALWAYS FAITHFUL, ALWAYS GOOD! That is a reason to always have joy in your heart.
Happy Friday.



Please Pray

I got some big (ish) decisions to make soon regarding school.

Basically either I take 21 credits next term (and go a little crazy) and apply for the double-degree program in June, and finish school "on time"
OR
Not try to kill myself next term and take 18 credits, take one class during the summer (stay in Corvallis), get a job, apply late and go at least another term of school (more $).

I would like to do the latter, but I feel as if I might need to do the first. I'm going to be praying about it/sleeping on it but I register tomorrow. I will probably register for all of them and drop the one if I can later and revert to option # 2.

Please be praying with me for wisdom, clarity, guidance.....thank you prayer warriors!

Rejoicing

Rejoicing because...
fog has LIFTED and among many awesome things that have been happening, I feel such freedom and joy that I felt I haven't had for a long time.
Even cooler, our house as a whole is getting lit on fire big time by the Holy Spirit and amazing stuff is happening. Last Friday we had an all-nighter in the prayer room in the basement and we stayed up till 4 worshipping and praying and painting and song writing and reading and communing. Holy Spirit came and ministered.
Sunday night, there was another gathering of us girls in the prayer room. A few girls had prompted it to pray for direction for the house and the battle we feel like we're in, and the vision/path we're starting to walk in. It grew into about 8 of us praying individually for each other, praying specifically for each person's giftings and the Lord also bringing much healing and deliverance and freedom! Everyone was speaking prophetic words to each other, and the Spirit came SO thickly. (?)
One girl in particular was really shaken up (in a good way). She had some bonds broken she'd had her whole life, and her tears washed away literally all her makeup which symbolized to her that the Lord had made her clean and pure and new. I've seen dramatic transformation in her just in the last week.
It was a beautiful time and we're having another all nighter this Friday.
Soo thankful for this house and these girls and their desire to press on with me for more things of the Lord and to go deeper and deeper.
Thankful that He has taken away so much man-pleasing spirit and fear and replaced it with boldness, vulnerability, freedom, joy, discernment.

So much more to talk about but I gotta cut it off now! Blessings!

Nuggets for this Single Girl

If you didn't read my last post, I'm reading through Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot and I have been gleaning some pretty eye-opening nuggets that I've been needing to hear.  Here are some of the best quotes:

"Wherever you are, be all there." -Jim Elliot

"Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living." -Jim Elliot

Different ways to accept loneliness/plans that are not our own:

Rebellion- if this is the will of God for me now, He doesn't love me.
Rejection- if this is what God is giving me, I won't have any part of it.
Faith- God knows exactly what He's doing.
Acceptance- He loves me; He plans good thigns for me; I'll take it.

"Every reminder that aroused a longing had to be offered up."

Goooood stuff for me.

Elisabeth

Over the past day and a half I have been devouring Elisabeth Elliot's Passion and Purity and her and Jim's life have been BLOWING ME AWAY.
Honestly, it just really makes me evaluate my life, my faith. Not compare it, but evaluate it.
I'm sure everyone knows their story so I won't go into detail.

I just cannot imagine having your husband die, that you finally got to marry just a few years before, with a 10 month old baby. I can't imagine STAYING nearby and meeting an "ex-Auca" woman and learning Quichua from her, I can't imagine being invited back to the very forest and tribe that killed your husband, and forgiving them and loving them and pressing on so they might know the Good News. I can't imagine translating the Bible for the first time in a new language, and seeing such transformation that they no longer call themselves "the savage" anymore.

I want to press on to have such a real, tangible relationship with my Jesus and to have such a faith that I would be gladly willing to die for Him. I would love to say with all my heart that that's where I'm at (much like Peter said he would when Jesus told him he would deny Him three times) but honestly, I don't think I'm there yet.

I feel like the fog is slowly lifting and I've been hearing some good things from the Lord, getting a few melodies/songs in my head, etc. More on that later......must go for now but just wanted to say how my world is being rocked right now!!

The Beauty of the Lord

Today my brother and his friend came down for a visit and we went on a hike to the nearby Mary's Peak, the highest point on the coast range. Although part of it was foggy, it was a SPLENDID view and you could even see part of the ocean. I was just so captivated by the Lord today and I had asked Him to do that this morning. He knows how to get to me. During the hike it was a great time of affirmation from the Lord, of praising Him, of confession and of dreaming.

Before I give you some shots of the day, I wanted to share how I woke up this morning, still half
asleep, thinking about Zacchaeus out of all people. I had never felt a strong relevance to that story until I woke up this morning. It is AMAZING to me how Jesus specifically sought out the tax collector, perhaps the "worst of sinners". He pursued him, wanted to dine in his home...above all the others he could have chosen. He didn't want him to hide anymore. Just being in His presence, Zacchaeus was transformed and immediately set about to changing his life. Jesus says "For the Son of Man came to seek and save those who are lost."
AMEN...ahhhhh....so beautiful..

I have realized that when I spend time in His beauty, I want to be more like Him. There is no possible way to stop that desire.

Well that's it for now...blessings!!