16

I wish it were 16 hours till Corvallis, or a $16 Starbucks card, or 16 brothers and sisters, or nieces and nephews, or 16 people I shared the gospel with...

but alas, it is 16 cavities....of different levels..
not fun.

This made for an awful day yesterday...as my dad lectured me in the car how we don't have $2000 out of pocket money for this...you need to care about your teeth more...and then how i started bawling and then he felt awful....under the circumstances he was probably a lot more calm than I would have been. And then I felt like a jerk that it was partly-mainly my fault he would have to pay all that money....and me feeling guilty about not having a job, on and on.
And then more healing issues come up...but now, they've become sweet times to me. Painful, but times where I feel the Presence so thick and feel Him holding me and speaking truth to me I have never realized before.

On a more positive note, I had a 3 hr dentist appt today to get 4 fillings done--one super deep one that they said might need a root canal--which produced a lot of fear initially...but then the Lord invaded with His peace. First of all I got to listen to music, which was very calming, and then I ended up not needing the root canal, and then there was extra time so I got 4 more teeth done (saving money because today was the last day insurance covered) and then the dentists kept saying funny things...mine and the one next to us that I was laughing uncontrollably (with 100 things in my mouth) and it was actually an enjoyable time. TALK ABOUT HIS MERCIES ARE NEW EVERY MORNING!! :) And the Joy of the Lord...oh it's a beautiful thing.
Anyways....good stuff going on....a lot of conviction, a lot--tons, actually..of the grace of God, lots of hope, lots of excitement, gobs of blessings...I'm so blessed.

Hoping next time the cavity count will be at least under 10 ;)

This was humbling.

Romance blah blah blah blah blah

I've been thinking about relationships and such a lot more since so many of my friends/acquaintances are getting engaged and married and dating..
Never having dated before I am still clueless about a lot of things... pondering the future and such, I've been a little overwhelmed at the balance of wanting to hold out for the one God has for me (if there is even one), and holding high standards, etc, vs. not being too picky, not expecting him to be like I expected, being somewhat disappointed,  etc.  Does that makes sense?
I'm pretty sure i haven't met him yet, and it will probably be a long time before i have to worry about any of this, but I'm realizing I still have a lot of fear that either I will never meet him or that I will marry the "wrong" person or....on and on.
What scares me is finally dating someone when I'm, say, 22 years old, and having so much pressure to feel like he is the one, and not wanting to have multiple relationships first, and wondering if there's another one better suited for me....such an unknown world.
Side note, I've felt a little implied pressure from  family members about dating someone, because in every way it would appear we were destined for each other. Even though I know it's not supposed to be, it makes me wonder if I am being too picky and holding out for someone that doesn't exist...but I really am not holding drastically unrealistic expectations on someone..I know the greatest man in the world couldn't satisfy me to the level God takes me.

I guess I have a few questions, if anyone has any feedback/experience/wisdom...

~Is it hindering to have a few basic "rules" for the one i marry? (loves the Lord more than me/has a hunger to grow more in the Lord, someone who pursues me and adores me, mutual attraction, enjoy spending time together like best friends, compatible giftings/passions/dreams to give most glory to God, and a desire for children) I don't think it is, but just checking....:)

~Does God ever put a strong desire in someone for marriage/kids who never receives it?

~Is there really ONE person out there that would be the best for you?

~Is it better to be single than to marry someone that isn't completely right for you?

~Is it better to have a casual outlook on dating (esp. for the first time at a later age) and not expect to marry the first person you date, or should you be more serious about each decision?

Obviously i have my own opinions about these but I guess I would appreciate someone else's.
I don't really like to write sappy posts that often, so sorry! ;-)
Tis the season.....

Mish Mash of Christmas Eve Thoughts

For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.

{john 3:16}

Undoubtedly a verse I've had memorized since I was about 6, but a verse that keeps striking me in new ways, even at 20 (still can't believe I'm 20!)

God loved the world so much.......
despite all the sins that contaminated our lives. He saw through all the crap and all the humanity and flaws and hurt and everything that was a result of our sinful nature.

His love was unwaverable. And IS unwaverable.
A love that "loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in His eyes". And this all gave Him great pleasure. {eph. 1:4}

I just love that He loved us before he chose us. I mean, He made us, and obviously knows every single detail about us. Knows every decision we make. Every thought. Every facial expression.
He loved us because we were the spitting image of Him--through the power of Jesus, we appeared righteous. 
He didn't choose us....then think, "Yah right. What was I thinking." And then somehow love us in an obligatory way.
I'm just thinking about when I become a mother and will just stare at my baby, my toddler, my child....delighting in the features that look like me and my husb.
I see God looking down at us and oohing over us. How we are made like Him, each person bearing different quirks and gifts and personalities that reveal a great deal about who He is. This makes Him happy. You give Him joy!!!
The funny thing is , I think we understand just a very small fraction of how we are made to be like Him.

Not exactly sure where this post was going, I guess I'm getting a little tired, but just wanted to share the Lord has captured my heart again.....
despite the zillion times I've messed up lately, HE WANTS TO GIVE ME LIFE, and life abundantly, and just for believing Him......
I just want to live my whole life as a giant mirror that I BELIEVE IN HIM!!!
Surrender...surrender...surrender...

Hope you have a very blessed Christmas celebrating Jesus' birth and presence in your life.....even though one holiday is not nearly enough for Him.

Suse

Singleness~TWO

Lately I have been very grateful to be able to sleep whenever I please; for me, it is staying up till 3am and sleeping in till 1, and I am not taking it for granted. Although I will be very grateful for the time in my life when I am sleep deprived/early bird/etc due to precious children/having a job/being married, I am basking in the era in my life where I have so much freedom. Carefree. A little lazy. A little spoiled.

Trying to look on the positive side.

His Mercies are New

To my prayer warriors, thank you soo much for your prayers and words of encouragement/wisdom. I appreciate you guys so much.
Well, last night Jesus caught quite a few tears for His bottle, but today I felt a million times better. And my heart is awakened to places that need healing and learned that I need to be a bit more active in bringing them to His feet and praying, praying, praying, seeking, seeking, seeking, knocking, knocking, knocking. I need to talk to other people. ETC. I guess the hurt gets pushed way down when I am in my Corvallis-Fairytale Land. (loving environment, loving sisters, little to no conflict, no reminders of my past and the problems that still exist).
Being home is good. It is hard, but good. Tears ARE healing, and as I felt the Lord's presence last night I heard him say "This is good for you. You need to do this. Just cry it all out. I'm sorry, sweetie..."etc.
13 more days here.
One thing that made today great was that one of my best friends, Amy (who's parents and home are like my own) got ENGAGED today!!!! I was soo ecstatic for her, my heart bursting in excitement, jumping up and down, probably won't sleep tonight. (I don't want to think about myself getting engaged....heart attack! ;) Their story is so cool...partly because we both met him on the same day when we went to the state fair! Love how the Lord works.....it's always a little bittersweet though. Another friend getting married=less time with that person. But it's natural and seasons of life and all that. Must learn to lose my selfishness :)
Well now that I'm blabbering away I better stop....but thanks again and may you be richly blessed.
suse

Not Done

...healing yet.
I just want to ask for a lot of prayer in these couple of weeks of break. My heart is breaking and exposing things I didn't know where there, or still there...a lot of stuff mainly from my parent's divorce. Tonight the tears just won't stop flowing....need to spend more time with Jesus...but yah I would just really covet your prayers......
healing is just not so fun sometimes.
thank you.

Feeling so..

inspired, encouraged, refreshed, excited, and grateful today...

I am so grateful that I have a sphere of influence in every single phase of life... with all that access I have to the Kingdom and all, everything about my life is spiritual and sacred and has room to change society and change lives.....

I guess my mindset has always been once I am....(married, have kids, move to Mexico) will I really do some good work for the Lord. That mindset is being hung upside down, PTL!!

One of the hugest blessings lately is that even though i still deeply yearn to get married and have children, I am seeing what a blessing my life is RIGHT NOW and how many different ways I am/can be influencing people, because I am single. I hope this is not another cliche post, because I feel i am finally grasping this and knowing/living what it means.
He is giving me the freedoom to go out and create, to pour into, to serve, to be available.....

"Dreaming with God" (Bill Johnson) is rocking my world right now!! My whole being lit up when it brought up education, and how more Kingdom people need to be invading education. I KNEW there were reasons I wanted to teach, felt called to teach, but was conflicted because I felt it was a role in which I might feel very trapped, (after all, it's a profession where I'm investing in future generations), a role where I PERSONALLY would not be able to influence children's lives (here's the curriculum, and that's it..), a role that I might not be satisfied with (staying in the same building, same country, for so long..), on and on and on....
well the Lord cast so much light on some of those lies, and I now see so much purpose and vision into what the Lord is calling me into.
"In reality, each person has an area where God has gifted them to excel and it's the wise educator who discovers that area in a child. An excellent teacher will bring excellence out of the one who can't find it in themselves!"
I'm just dreaming of all the room I have for prophecy in my future student's lives. I have the privilege of finding the gold in students, many who may be Hispanic, many who may come from hard backgrounds....
I imagine saying to them, "I don't care what anyone has told you. You will be unstoppable.....you will succeed....you will invent this.....you will design that....you are brilliant....you are valuable....you are a a joy....."
Maybe they won't see it right away, but maybe they'll see it years down the road when they find it to be true and remember what their 2nd grade teacher said. Or maybe they'll be entering middle school and high school and find themselves in a rough patch in life, and think "maybe I'll go talk to Ms. Omundson."
Ok, maybe some of that is cheesy or unrealistic. But I don't doubt what He can do..will do..when I give Him the room. Obviously He would not have put the teaching desire in my heart since the first day of preschool for no reason. Ha. He is so sovereign and in control it is out of control.
This is obviously not for me. Although I find joy in being a vessel for the Lord, my heart dances at the thought of how much glory I'll be able to give him.

I am excited for every stage of my life. {Given, the downfalls are there to give me opportunities for joy and endurance}. 
I am thilled to be a college student and single
I will be overjoyed to be a girlfriend, a wife
I will be ecstatic to be a mom, staying at home
I will be blissful to be a teacher
I will be elated to be a YWAM student
I will be delighted to be living in a Latin American country
I will be content to live in the United States
I will be glad to abide in a two-story house and an income
I will be exultant to live in a shack with no real income
I will be joyful to be an aunt, a grandma, a daughter, a friend..

I'm runnin out of happy words, HAHA!
You get my point.
Every circumstance, every arena, every season, every stage, every year, every age, every status
gives room to celebrate Jesus in and to make Him known!!!!!!!

Well, congratulations if you've read all this, especially with my 2 am writing,
so I should think about calming down from my Spirit high, so gooooodnightt!

{My food is to do the will of the One who sent me} John  4:34

Love'n'blessins,
Suse

A Lot on the Heart

Sorry it has been a while. A lot has been going on--or at least was before school got out :) Been through a lot with the Lord.....so many things I could talk about...but I am in a new season now, and it feels good.
Spent some candlelit quality time with the Lord tonight and He said I was going to receive these things in this new season:
{Wisom, prophecy, healing, tenderness, obedience, genuine love, patience, and true rest}
WOW! With a catch though...
"....But if you do not abide and do not wish to receive, then you shall not."
That is probably my new key word which my eyes have been opened to.

I've been feeling a litte restless lately again.....I close my eyes at night and all I can see is Costa Rica, Mexico...anywhere but where I'm at. I feel like I have such a gypsy heart sometimes.
I'm yearning for a renewed passion, refreshment, purpose for where I'm at at OSU/Charis. Some days are very fulfilling, but for the most part, I'm just wanting the next day to come already so I can get one step closer to my "next big thing". And I know I will be here for about 2 more years....which is daunting to think about. Please pray with me if you think about it.

Last summer, in one of my usual "I want to change the world-move-far-away-let's-look-up-some-ministries" mood, I found this. While reading through it I got the biggest chills/shivers ever all throughout my body that I knew could only come from the Spirit. I stumbled upon it again yesterday and had the same reaction...and again tonight. This is what it is:

Youth With A Mission San Diego/Baja will run a 9 month Children at Risk School (CRS) January 3rd 2011. Raising awareness, giving basic skills, and mobilizing workers to reach at-risk children are our goals. The CRS is a University of the Nations (UofN) accredited course earning 12 credits for the 3 month lecture phase and 12-24 credits for the 3-6 month field assignment.

The school focuses on disenfranchised children, such as orphans, street children, the handicapped and abused. The course content will be taught by ministry and social service professionals experienced in helping at-risk children. The CRS is for those who want to become advocates for at-risk children. This school will multiply leaders who in turn will champion the cause of children through social, political, judicial and spiritual intervention. Students experience God’s heart for justice, defending the cause of the fatherless, rescuing the poor, the weak and the oppressed. It also has an emphasis on human trafficking and will work regularly in the red light district of Tijuana throughout the lecture phase for hands on experience during the course.


Topics covered during the school may be:

· Overview of the issues and needs of at-risk children

· Biblical worldview of children and their development

· Principles of child advocacy

· Assessment and evaluation

· Attachment disorders

· The institutionalized child

· Child development

· God's heart for justice and children

· Child counseling

· Evangelism/creativity

· Health care

· Discovering your potential

· HIV/AIDS

· Restoration of a generation
 
This pretty much sums up my biggest passion, purpose in life. I believe confidently, Lord willing, that He will bing me here..I just wish it were sooner than later. I'm trying not to think logically (pay ~$3,000 for a school right after graduating...not get a job...etc.) but rather trust in the Lord's timing and not being offended for not knowing the answers.
There's a lot more I want to say but I need to get some sleep...wanted to share this excitement with you!
 
Blessings,
Suse

***Update....I found out there is the same school (both DTS and Children at Risk) in COSTA RICA..!!! So crazy to think that it was so closeby when I was there. Also, the DTS requires a week for NIKO.....this part made me smile...

...It means a 4 day camp in which we will be challenged to live with little, depend on God and one another and survive the jungle of Costa Rica.


1. Walking on trails (easy and challenging levels)


2. Coming across insects, snakes and wild animals.


3. Crossing streams and rivers.


4. Exercises and games.
 
Please God?! :)

Thankful...for divine revelations at 2 am

Up until about half hour ago my day was just not great. I was thankful, but I wasn't feeling thankful. I didn't leave the house all day, and I was just being a slave to sin, letting anger and frustration and impatience and rudeness and impurity and you name it fester in my heart. I was even reading the Word with bitterness and yuckiness in my heart. Luckily, while I was on the computer and was needing to cool down, I ended up watching some Bethel clips--listening to Jenn Johnson and Kim Walker speak about various things and even though I had wronged the Lord many times today, He sweetly drew me back to Him tonight (this morning?! ha!) through the messages and a few songs. I remembered what the sweet Presence was like and I spilled my heart out to the Lord. (I wish a day didn't go by where I have to "remember" what He is like!) I was drawn on my knees and the Lord gave me my own revelations. Sorry if it gets a little confusing, hehe.

I kept picturing myself running through a field, I could see myself coming towards me, beautiful and childlike and flushed. I was flawless and there was a flower in my hair. I wasn't striving; I had everything I needed and didn't have a care in the world. The Lord started describing to me how I interact with people {when I am living in His presence}....telling me how my eyes are full of tender compassion for people..when I listen I can almost see into people's souls (which is crazy because I've just been learning that I have a gift of discernment about spirits and being able to sense heaviness from people's past/burdens they carry). He told me that anyone who interacted with me would be amazed, something/Someone would touch them and they couldn't put their finger on what. The words that left my mouth would be gracious and attractive. It would come from a pure heart and mind. I kept hearing "breathing life" ...breathing life into people's dreams, that is, encouragement and spurring people on to partner with Jesus and live out the desires of their heart (can you tell I have been reading "Dreaming with God"? :) Oh, and the encouragement I had for people would relate to them specifically, and that they would come to know that Jesus loves them so specifically and intimately to how they are designed. The next part of the dream was with the people I started encountering in the field, and I got them to frolick in the field with me. Then in my elated state, running about freely, Jesus would cut in and whisk me away to dance with Him (..this is when I started to break down bawling!). Another part of the vision I saw was Jesus riding up from a distance on a beautiful horse and him pulling me on to ride with Him....the more I journeyed with Him on the horse and sat so close to His heart, the more beautiful I became and the more like Him I became. "You are my prized possession" He tells me.
I am just beyond amazed at His faithfulness. Somewhere deep down I feel like He's just gonna want to give up on me. Life after I turn my back on Him x amount of times, so will He.
I have learned that there is no last straw with Jesus.
His faithfulness and mercy is something I just can't fully comprehend on this earth. But I can tell you I have tasted it like none other! And He is captivating my heart like never before, or maybe I am drawing near and listening and abiding like never before......all I know is that He wants to keep whisking me away, away, away from my all my little friends and schoolwork and busy eating and computer and on and on and show me new things, whisper to me the latest revelation of His love, instill in me a new level of peace and comfort....ride on the horsey with Him.
Huh...I just remembered I went horseback riding last week....ironic?........

Please pray with me that I will abide with Him. That I will nail all that junk in my life to the cross and that I can live radically and unabashedly for Him.

Thank You Jesus, ohh sweet lover of my soul. You astound me every day.

Dad's Weekend.

My dad's comin tomorrow/Sun...please pray. I sense a little bit of breakthrough and my heart is softened right now so pray that it would not be hardened.

I can't wait to tell you about yesterday, one of the best days of my life!
Update soon....
love you all,
Suse

Miracle Baby!!!

THIS beautiful baby,

(with her brother, Bjorn)

Mia Savea Bostrom,
came into this world 10:52 pm tonight, 6 lbs. 11 oz, 18 inches and perfectly healthy.
She is my youngest cousin.
She is my miracle cousin.
She is the baby I prayed for my aunt to have for about 8 years, almost every night before I lay down--I remember praying for her when I was in the shower just last year when all hope was gone..
She is the baby that Jesus knew about allll along and had a perfect plan for.
She is the redeeming hope for my aunt and uncle...
I'm so excited my little flower girl is finally here.
PRAISE JESUS!!!!!!!
This cousin is so elated and joyous and proud I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight! :)

PRAISES

I am just so grateful right now and my cup is overflowing. I still don't have much time to share a lot but wanted to thank you if you prayed for me and my testmony went so well thanks to Him. He helped me soar through the hardest parts and I was the most transparent I've ever been. It was so renewing and relieving and everything inbetween. The following two girls were able to be really transparent as well and I am super stoked for my small group this year (which is led by one of my best friends, Julie). Ahhhhhh. The Lord's blessings never end...even in the desert.
Well...that's it for now...
Oh ok, one more thing :) This weekend at the fall retreat i was mesmorized by the violin played during worship and it inspired me to play again. Last night I had the opportunity to play because an anointed talented person was playing the piano and I was blessed by the chance to practice. For the first time I felt like I was able to worship by playing it, not the "just helpin out the worship team" mindset I had before (although ive only played it once for church). I played again today to worship music and I am just loving it! I feel I'm supposed to start playing it in church and later in the future somehow. I LOVE how God takes broken, forgotten, brushed aside pieces of the puzzle and fits them together. He loves doing that, with everything. Ok..blessings to you
suse

Testimony..take four

PLEASE PRAY FOR ME...if you think about it, tomorrow, Monday. I will be giving my testimony to my small group, the 4th time I've given my testimony to a group of people in a year. My
story has changed even from after this amazing weekend! I am not really so nervous (a little though) but just a little overwhelmed as to what to say--add onto it, I am not a clear speaker at all :) I am putting it in the Lord's hands though.
Alrighty, well I will update soon..just wanted to ask for a little prayer for now! Thanks soo much.
Love and blessings,
Suse

Going on...

a fall retreat this weekend...yay Sunriver......
it will be a good end to my fast and a refreshing time. This week has been great so far...I will write more later.
Thanks for the prayers!
suse

Beautiful {Adventurous} Bike Ride

I had quite an adventurous bike ride today with my friend...very fun and a long story, but I will just show you a few pics...such a refreshing and some of the most beautiful sights I'd ever seen.

                                     

The Lord is Beautiful and Good.

Verses that have been rocking my world

"But those who wish to boast should boast in this alone: that they truly know me and understand that I am the LORD who demonstrates unfailing love and who brings justice and righteousness to the earth, and that I delight in these things."
JEREMIAH 9:23-24

"So I died to the law-I stopped trying to meet all its requirements so that I might live for God."
Galatians 2:19

Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest death and decay from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit WILL HARVEST EVERLASTING LIFE FROM THE SPIRIT."
Galatians 5:8

"For your Creator will be your husband; the LORD of Heaven's Armies is his name! He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, the God of all the earth."
Isaiah 54:5

Ahhh!! Today has been a great day.....so renewing already. Thanks again for the prayers. He is such a goooood God.

Fasting

I have always kind of avoided fasting, because when I do, I feel like I am pouring all my energy into "can I do this? can I do that? am I losing weight? just a little won't matter".....seriously! Therefore I haven't wanted to go into it without my intentions being right.
For a week, I will be Facebook fasting, junk food fasting, music fasting, and even blog fasting to some degree (I spend a lot of time looking at blogs). (Junk food starting tomorrow, Monday, and everything else today).
I feel like I have never needed it more before, and am counting on this time for God to show up--I have expectations--mainly just for Him to do whatever He wants in me.

The main things I will be praying for:
-Release and healing from a habitual sin
-Release of depression, bitterness, shortness that has crept in the past few weeks
-Direction, purpose and motivation in my education
-Self-control--weight-self image issues
-My future--husb, kids, places, jobs, etc.
-Renewed sensitivity to the Spirit, purification of my mind
-Family stuff (parents, joe and ginny..)
-My roommates

Just as a starter :) I am excited for this week. Please be praying if you think about.
I appreciate you!

suse

Singleness~ONE

I thought in order to cultivate more of a thankfulness for this season in my life I would give little snippets of things I am grateful for as I live my life.

I am grateful that....I am constantly in fellowship with believers. I am blessed with 46+sisters, many great brothers, and older, more mature people. This morning some people in my house were discussing how they knew couples that lost practically all fellowship after being married..and I know some too. I believe it takes extra effort to be in community with other believers when married, besides just not having that extra time. I can be here at Charis and be completely immersed with God and wisdom and gifts, etc. that come from my sistahs. I don't even have to make appts, dates, to get my fill in. I don't have to worry about keeping in touch, being out of the loop, being lonely, or any of those things!
Praise the Lord!

You can't go wrong..

when you're wearing the Lord's presence! You will succeed in everything you do, even if things don't go the way you thought or you fail in some aspect. Just a thought i had.
Praise the Lord, I've had a great few days since i last wrote and I really feel I'm riding on His wings...otherwise I would've been left in a ditch a long time ago!

Today I led worship at church for the first time, and the Lord miraculously came. I had no sense of nervousness, inhibition, fear of man or anything, which just shows how much the Lord has grown in me--I totally would not have even considered doing it 2 years ago--He is so good! I am in a place where he is totally humbling me further while still developing my gifting. I can tell He is preparing me for something, WHAT I do not know! I know it's time to stop hoarding what I have that the Lord has given me, and that I am needed...and knowing this helps me to notice and bring out gifting in other people.

This is a song that has gotten me through the week...just makes you sigghhhh and let go!! :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6-K7WuY17Q

I leave you with part of my bike ride...beautiful sunset ride with the dear friend of mine shown, Rebecca.

Blessings on your day.

suse

not so good

Lately, I have just wanted to leave the country, get the heck out of here, and do something meaningful and really fulfilling.
My heart is RESTLESS, and not RESTFUL.
Wanna work with the poor, see Jesus in little children, be needed and wanted, live with little to nothing, and impact lives. I feel like I am not really living right now, that i"m in some kind of dormant phase. I don't like it. I KNOW this is a phase Jesus has for me right now.
Why is it so hard to grasp the present?? I'm having such a hard time, apparently.
I have felt like such a failure at loving people, pouring into people, being who I am in Christ, having motivation to do schoolwork, go to school--even doubting the things I thought I was always best at, like teaching, Spanish, and..loving people.
I just really have NO idea what's in store for me...and I know He has good plans, but there are so many ideas, so many schools, so many countries, so many languages, so many people......feeling overwhelmed by possibilities and not resting in my heart.

I want to be a woman who laughs without fear of the future- Prov. 31:25
I am not necessarily fearful, but rather anxious...
Thanks for letting me rant a little and please pray as I am obviously under a lot of attack.
Christ in me, hope of glory. Praise the Lord.

The Longing

Today, I have that deep recurring aching that pounds at the depths of my soul...
my longing for children. If I am not careful, I can let bitterness and impatience and unknowing and frustration and jealousy take place of the great trust I must have in the Lord.
I just cannot escape this longing, it must be so part of who I am.....but now I am exactly where the Lord wants me.

{But if we look forward to something we don't yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.}
Romans 8:25

Please pray with me for patience and trust!

Soo in love

with the Lord. He turned a dull, lifeless, anxious, boring morning into a joyful, beautiful, blessed day with additional heaps of faith and life!!

Prayed for healing today. About to go on my favorite bike ride with a dear friend and capture the sunset on this beautiful fall, sunny day in God's creation. Worship night tonight. Friday. REST. I praise God for days like these!

Praying for the Son to shine on you as well today. He is the redeemer and restorer of all things, and He does what He wants.

blessings,
suse

Awoken

Today, I just crave to have the boldness and unhesitancy to just be able to go up to that person or pray for that person or talk about the Lord in front of that person and not feel the least bit of fear or shame. To not even care what the outcome of the situation, as long as I know the Lord is control and will be glorified.
There is still so much inside that needs to be stripped down and built up--but the good news He is working within me and giving me more of an urgency.

Today I was walking out of a Spanish class with my friend Jordan and we stopped to get his bike, then we were going to swing by the bookstore area to check something before our free prayer later that day. Not very long after he says, "Soup (my nickname in Corvallis), I know this might be out of your comfort zone, but I think you should talk to that girl over there." A girl was sitting on the curb, smoking, and very focused and serious and sad. "I'm gonna go" and with a grin he takes off on his bike. My heart started pounding and I wasn't exactly sure what to do. Not receiving any words for her, I slowly started walking away praying, intending to come back if I got anything. Nothing profound came to me, but honestly I just felt like telling her "Hey, I just felt like I was supposed to tell you that Jesus loves you and wants a relationship with you." I went home without telling her that, as it was too late by the time I could muster anything up.

I want to be a woman that hears the voice of the Lord and just DOES it--without hesitancy--even if the words don't come right away. The Spirit of the living God is with me and gives me my words...this is just the next step in trusting Him.
I will say that with that little story and free prayer later that day (which I had to leave before anyone came to get prayer) my heart was awoken and a sense of urgency was placed on it. I will admit it: I have been pretty comfortable and lazy so far when it comes to opportunities here at OSU. Yes, I have always wanted things to happen. But now I am understanding it happens in the small encounters and just listening to the quiet voice of God- sometimes a quickening of my heart, sometimes a still, small whisper, sometimes a big banner, sometimes a dose of compassion.
I am just wanting to be a vessel for God like never before. I am drinking in this life the Lord has me in right now, and really enjoying it, despite its stresses.

Shouldn't Be

writing this, but I am a procrastinator to the core...
my mind is so jumbled now but I will give you what I think are the 10 most important things going on right now in my life.
1) I definitely underestimated this term--15 nice little credits=SUPER HARD and SUPER OVERWHELMING. I feel like if I can get through this term I can get through anything. Ok, maybe slightly exaggerating.
2) Still no job yet...keep praying...and wisdom for what I should be doing
3) Reading through the New Testament with my church in 9 weeks...I usually don't like those kinds of things but so far I'm lovin it...receiving so many cool revelations (which I might get to eventually ;)
4) Feeling the most secure in the Lord than ever before....not having a trace--ok, barely a trace of fear for my future, especially regarding my husband. I am craving the Lord's perfect love for me and our relationship. I am putting less expectation, demand, unrealisticness, etc on my husband and am praising the Lord that He is really delivering me from a lot of crap that would have happened if I did things my own way. He is protecting me...goes back to my family name "Amund" which means divine protector.
5) My room is still hard, but is getting better..please pray I would click better with 2 of my roomies. I need extra grace and kindness.
6) I am going to start leading worship at my church on a regular basis...please pray I never get burned out, or overwhelmed, etc....just overflow of the heart
7) I am starting to just really love prayer!! I thought I loved it before but now I am up and at'em (coming from the latest owl you'll meet) at 5:45 ready for 6-8 prayer and worship in the basement! It's been rich..as well as prayer walks that we do with our brother house, Antioch. Quick story: couple weeks ago our two houses were going to different places, praying, and we stopped by Varsity (another Christian guys house, where my friend Jordan lives). They had JUST like 5 minutes before been praying that He would heal the animosity and rivalry etc. between the houses (esp b/w Antioch and Varsity). So the three of our houses went around, praying, and we gathered one more house up as well. Such an awesome unity, and we definitely feel so much more connected to our other bros and sisters in Christ this year.
8) Adding on to that, God is ON THE MOVE in Corvallis!
9) Friday, instead of doing dramas, we will be having a "free prayer" or something like that, sign on campus...please be praying! :) I'm excited to see how He'll show up.
10) Please pray for continued purity of heart and mind so I can see God more clearly. I want to be a vessel that the Lord can't pass up using. I'm tired of being bored and stagnant. I'm asking Him for big things.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for your prayers and your love.
suse

Trust

I just HAPPENED to have an urge to read 1 Peter, where 4:19 struck me:

{..and trust your lives to the God who created you, for He will never fail you}
Simple, yet soo profound!

A couple of hours ago I was talking with some friends and my good friend Julie mentioned she had seen a job opening at Big Town Hero (sandwich place just a few blocks away, owners go to the church that supports Charis). Ten minutes later I walked over and got the application, the manager was very friendly, and within half hour I filled it out and returned it.
Please pray for favor! Just while this was happening Julie was talking to me about her boyfriend really needing a job. Right after I got back, he texted and said he had an interview and was hired! I think today is a day of favor...:)
I am not worried whatsoever because the Lord sees and knows my every need. I am waiting on Him....and trusting Him because He created me, and He will never fail me. PTL.

"Home"

Right now I'm finally in the place that seems most like home to me: Charis.
I am just so dang blessed to be here and with these 14 girls on leadership this week, it has already been truly enriching.
We got back today from a 3 day retreat where we all shared our testimonies: the kind where EVERYONE cries and you see the real person, everything they have gone through and what Jesus has done in their life. Hearing testimonies are my favorite and as we sat there for hours, I was simply intrigued by each one and how incredible the Lord is. Thanks to the Lord, I wasnt very nervous (esp. having done it last year in front of everyone) and not having really much prepared, it was cool to just talk and see where He led me.  Anyways, I feel very close to my sisters and am so blessed for the constant conversations we have about the Lord and our lives, all the encouragement, uplifting, hugs, etc. The Lord knows me....so well.

New girls move in in 3 days. I'm excited...also know it will be a bit overwhelming.

I am glad the Lord is finally taking me out of this wilderness phase, and that He has taught me so much. My life verse I feel like for now is:
"But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert (check) and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope."  (Hosea 2:14)

PLEASE pray favor for a job for me. Campus jobs are looking already full and it's super hard to get one, and since I don't have a car...you get the picture. I am really feeling like I need to get one this year. Please pray against financial stress for my parents. I don't know if I mentioned it, but my dad & fam will probably have to move out of their house because of $ and it's really hard on my dad.

Also, please pray for the drunk people hollering outside my window that will probably keep me up tonight, per usual. These precious people on this campus and in this city are my mission field; these souls may be changed someday by Jesus' life through me, and I will not waste a minute thinking about the future when I can be clinging on to opportunities. It may not be a poor, delightful Mexican child, but a hungry, striving college student that needs Love today.
Well, gotta go for now, but thanks for the prayers and praying blessings for you too.

CAN'T WAIT

for the day when I'm married and my husband I will walk on the downtown streets of Portland, (or another needy place) and we can find a homeless person to take out to a nice meal. That will be oh so fun. And pick up every hitchhiker I (we) see. In fact, I probably won't marry someone unless they would be willing to do that kind of stuff. :-)

On that note, I've been having a mental struggle between doing foolish things vs. hearing the Spirit and stepping out in faith. It seems to me that the world likes to mix the two, calling the latter foolish as well. For instance, I almost stopped and picked up a hitchhiker on the freeway the other day, even though he was a man (he seemed nice to me). I didn't probably just because I couldn't get over in time. I don't know what it is about me and my wild, non-fearing heart, but it seems like a lot of ideas i have like these people deem foolish. And some of them are probably true. {I always want to go outside alone at night (in my college town) and everyone looks down on that. Ok, so some of this is common sense and I am stubborn.}
I would love any input or wisdom on this matter.
Maybe it's not because I am really brave, maybe it's because i have a Holy Spirit covering that's giving me the "ok" to do things, that will bring Him glory. I am not entirely stupid and won't do things that are obviously idiotic.
I'm just wanting to do so many things but often feel restricted as a single woman. Very frustrating at times, yet God knows the scene and will use me exactly as He sees fit. It could just be that this is not the time of my life to do those things.

Counting down

Today, a profound thought hit me as my family and I were driving on the beautiful highway road from Corvallis to the freeway. We had just dropped something off in Corvallis and were on our way to Salem. Lately I have been noticing how this ~12 minute stretch has seemed to keep dragging longer and longer each time I come/go to and from Corvo.

I remarked, "This road seems really long" or something like that.
My dad answered, "It always seems longer when you're anxious to get somewhere."

SO TRUE. I thought first of all the times I was on the edge of my seat just desperately waiting to get back to Corvallis and to Charis and how the road was just gloomily too long.
And then I thought of how many times, on this road that I'm on, how desperately long it seems. Even though there are beautiful hills and mountains and hay and cows all around me, I just don't care and want to get to my final destination. I have been anxious. This ultimately stems, I believe, from not trusting the Lord and His goodness, even if I think that I do.
I want my heart to be settled and rested and rooted so deep in His love that He has to yank me from the cows to see what He has laid out for me next :)
I believe there's nothing wrong with looking forward to something, or dreaming a little now and then--and if it is wrong well then.....I am very guilty! ;-) My thought has always been that our wishes and hopes and dreams and desires, etc, can be little ways to see God's faithfulness to us and to see His heart for us. Yesterday I reread a few pages of stuff the Lord was speaking to me last winter and one of the things He said for me was to "dream big".
But man, I just wanna enjoy the beautiful ride. Even if there AREN'T fields and cows and mountains to admire.

I don't want this to be a cliche post, but this is just what's been going through my head recently. Probably cuz He's reallllly working on deep trust in my heart and being settled with RIGHT where I'm at. Basic things like that.

Thanks for listening and thanks for you all your prayers. Much love,
suse

I Have Found

....a trust that teaches how to rest.

Trying to really dwell on just this line of Kim Walker's song right now. In the midst of preparing my Costa Rica portfolio (due tomorrow), generally packing and organizing from two houses to move (in one week), starting and finishing little projects, pondering my testimony for next week (leader week), and more, my heart is overwhelmed...
until I just let it go....sink into that overflowing trust that God has put in my heart. I must rest in that trust. I also have joy over sadness, a love that lights up every room, and a peace that plows on through the storm.

Amen Jesus. Thank you for taking care of the hot mess of my life. Days like today, I just need to sit back and watch You do your thing. I love you!

Childlike Faith

Today when I was shoveling tile for Omundson Construction the thought came to me,

         {when i was a child, i expected what i needed
                       and asked for what I wanted.}
I know that this is not true for every person, but just from my honest child heart, this is what I thought.
Does childlike faith look different for everyone?
Should I expect what I need....in other words, be confident and totally at ease that all my necessities will be provided for?
I know I need to "seek the Kingdom of God above all else.." (Luke 12:31), and that is a given. I suppose that when I am in that place of seeking the Kingdom, I just have that expectancy that He will provide. This seems right to me.
He also says "keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. keep on seeking, and you will find."
Again, when this is in the context of seeking the Kingdom, I can ask for whatever I want! Right?
I wonder how the 7 yr old me would have dealt with having to find a job in a town where--there ARE no jobs :) Is this where I need to expect He will provide that job?
I think yes.

**Side note--I have been doing a trillion times better since my last post. Not feeling completely "up to par" but wayyy better. I have been doing a lot of cleaning and organizing and..purging at both my houses which has been good--both because I have always hated throwing/giving stuff away and this time I had no problem-and because it is such a good reminder that I do need to purge everything from my spiritual body that shouldn't belong there.

**Another side note--I have always struggled a little with body image (who doesn't), but ever since I returned from Costa Rica (where I lost quite a bit of weight) and have been putting it back on, I have just felt frustrated and a lack of self-control whatsoever, especially on what I eat. This is a huge area the Lord is trying to work through in me.
Today I felt was a kind of breakthrough point. I was walking by myself around Bridgeport (a fancy little (ok, big) shopping "town") and at first was feeling a little self conscious, especially amongst all the glam and "high classness". Today I let it go and said to myself, "I am always going to be a little awkward. Maybe always a little chubby. But this is who I am (today, at least) and I am going to love it, and know God is still madly in love with me." This is not to say that the Lord is not encouraging me to healthier lifestyles--say, to not overindulge, or that I am settling with where I'm at. 
I guess mainly I'm learning where my confidence comes from--purely from the Lord--and He sees the fine masterpiece He made, above what anyone else (including and especially myself) can see.. 

Ok...well enough rabbit trailing..need to get back to cleaning :) Thanks for all your love and prayers, they are much appreciated.
Much love,
Suse

Single Life

Single life may be only a stage of a life's journey, but even a stage is a gift. God may replace it with another gift, but the receiver accepts His gifts with thanksgiving. This gift for this day. The life of faith is lived one day at a time, and it has to be lived - not always looked forward to as though the 'real' living were around the next corner. It is today for which we are responsible. God still owns tomorrow.



-Elisabeth Elliot
 
I especially related with the "not always looked forward to as though the 'real' living were around the next corner". That is PRECISELY how I feel I have been living my life--thank you for that conviction, Lord, and thank you for THIS day...and for tomorrow, however it may go..
 
It's been almost a month since I've returned from CR, and long story short....
I was doing great, spiritually speaking, in CR. I learned a ton, just grew a lot closer to the Lord, and heard from Him that when I got back I needed to really follow hard after Him, that there would be a lot more attack after getting back. He was right, and I unfortunately didn't do that. I slunk (probably a word I just invented) back into my sinful nature and mostly, just got lazy about our relationship. Along with not having to do a ton upon my return, I just didn't put forth much effort to grow in and seek the Lord. Honestly, super honest, I can think of maybe two times I have cracked open my Bible and just been refreshed since CR. It has been atrocious! That is not to say God hasn't been working in my life, with me and my family, or that I haven't not wanted to grow in love more with the Lord. But still, probably one of my lowest lows.....
I can tell when there is that dullness and indifference and no longer a sensitive heart that sees people how God does or sees the things of God how they really are. When there is a laziness to draw near to God, even if He meets me halfway. When I see the idols in my life but can't seem to give them up.
But I don't want to dwell on this part, because it is not what our gracious Father dwells on.
Despite what I've done, He still pursues me, reminding me a lot of Hosea and the prostitute wife.
He soothes me with reminders of a good future for me, and the joy in TODAY.
He is humble enough to wait for me to come back to Him, and He knows I will....
He is patient and loving and gentle and kind and gracious....
Convicting, yes. Grieved, sometimes yes. Saddened, probably.
 
Thank you Jesus that your yolk is easy and your burden is light.
 
Jesus is calling me to get away. I need to get away and pour out my heart to Him. I am to write Him a long letter, to resurrender every little thing, to confess and repent my sin, to ask Him to fill me with an ability to love Him well, and others well, to show me His love in new ways, to fill me with renewed passion, to be reminded of just how AWESOME even a drop of His presence is, to be alikened to Him more and more....I just want to be oozing Jesus.
 
Please be praying and thank you for loving me like Jesus does. I am so grateful.
I'll update soon how things are going. I know they can only get better though!! :)
 
Suse
 
PS> I am in a 4 room this year, still on the 3rd floor, with a returning girl named Kellie, who I love (even though we're completely different), a freshman named Amalia (from REDDING, CA!) who is a little shy and nervous but real and sweet, and a sophmore new to Charis named Kendra who is bubbly and funny and sweet. I think it will be a little hard at first but I can tell it will be a great, and life changing year.

Midnight Snack for Thought

So, soo many thoughts swirling around in my 20 yr old brain right now...I guess that's what I get for not blogging for ages :)

But really...where do I start?? Everyday I feel I have been mentally writing blogs in my head, but  the list is too long and prioritizing them is mentally taxing.

I'm gonna start with what I'm dealing with RIGHT NOW--then move out.

Without fail, on these late lazy summer nights where just Jesus and I are up, hanging out in my bed, I get antsy for the future and my daydreaming {or night dreaming, I should say} goes full speed. Now don't laugh~well, do if you want to~ but I get so impatient to have children, to have babies, where I sit on Word and pen out names for over an hour...or read about pregnancy, or read mom blogs. You name it. I know 100% that now is not that chapter in my life, and it's probably not coming soon either, but perhaps being a mother is so part of who He made me to be...that I already miss my children.
I miss my Abel Jaem   or my   Nollie Fe  or my  Mairyn Luceia or my Kiam Adlai. Just maybe--or maybe 12:52 just does something to you.
Which, by the way, I seem to always have to write late at night.

The other day when I was riding in the car, I think, the Lord declared to me something like, "My Lily, that same spot you have for loving your future kids, the Love that occupies that space is love that gets to be poured out on other people. You are still a mother, because I made you to be a nurturer and giver."

The grass is always greener on the other side, I guess. But for now I have chosen that this side of the fence is pretty green and that I will enjoy every moment of this special era in my life where I have a whole quiet bed to myself, where I can sleep through the night without being woken up, where an idea hits me and I can leave spontaneously, where I have more time to get to worship and know my Lord-although I'm still learning to prioritize my time-where I can live with 47 amazing sisters and friends in community and glean off of them and nurture, where I can be shaped more and more every day into the woman Jesus made me to be and be that much more selfless, loving, wise and full of his Spirit. I know that many mothers may envy the life I have now--so free of duty, so full of time and relaxation and sleep...full of freedom and whatever else it is I have.

But that never stops me from thinking of my future and praying that He would be so kind to bless me with a man that was so perfectly made for me and children that I can hardly believe are mine.

And having a best friend getting married this summer, and 3 others next summer, does not exactly rein in my excitement~envy~joy~impatience.

ON THE RELATIONSHIPS FRONT~~~
Ever since returning from Costa Rica, the Lord has been DRASTICALLY changing the family scene. One of the hugest things I learned there {and in my life period} was 1 Cor. 13:11:
          When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.
Read that for the first time and it was such a blow--such a GOOD blow--on my childish spirit that wanted to hold on-and not put away-childish things. I always figured that as you grew up, you matured and those childish things disappeared. But it was made blatantly clear to me that I need to PUT AWAY these things!! The shameful, ridiculous ways I would act with my parents and siblings, perhaps trying to stretch out the most horrific years of my life, were brought up.
I think all this happened when I turned 20 {yikes...it still feels funky typing that}. I was suddenly panicked and confused why I still acted and thought and spoke the way I did (do) sometimes and perhaps my subconscious theory that by the time I was 20 I would be a perfectly mature, independent, skinnier {ha}, gracious adult.
By NO MEANS am I suddenly perfect with my fam or even close, and I also see that my theory was rather unrealistic and nor was it based on the grace of God.
Just a few details so you can get the gist:
-have been working with my dad at the construction sites, and we have been getting along pretty much the whole time, I have been feeling a more effortless Love float out from me, being more polite and gracious, learning to hold my tongue which is a huge one, and even enjoying time with him.
-have been having a lot more respect for Bruce, made him an omelet last night when usually all I can manage to do is avoid him.
-still been getting along great with Bev
-ironically been having more conflicts with my mom (who I always got along the best with) but nothing big, just small frustrations and controversy of beliefs. I love my mom, but am sometimes afraid I will turn into her when I am a mom.

Baby steps....but the Lord is definitely answering my many prayers and healing me in places I didn't even know existed. Please be praying with me in these areas.


ON THE SCHOOL FRONT~~~~
Tomorrow night starts leader weekend, and in 2 days, I will find out my roommates (that is, IF I am with any leaders/returning girls) and my room. Even though it seems little, please be praying for the transition next year of room. The last two years I have been in the 6 room where I had AMAZING roommates and it was always very comfortable. I have a feeling next year might be a little out of my comfort zone. I'll let you know how it goes.

Last year my words for the year were transparency and boldness. I didn't really know how prophetic they would be--I learned transparency as I recounted my life story~problems and victories~to my house of girls and friends-and boldness as I led worship each week and learned to rely on the Spirit and to turn my gaze from forty plus faces to my Lover.     
Today I heard word that humility and gentleness were this years words. I know that I'll need humility and gentleness leading worship a second year, and more so, in my daily life. I have been convicted of all the times I have talked instead of listened, spoke without thinking and hurt someone, let a boastful sentence slip, etc...by the grace of God I still have my friends and He still loves me the same...and I ask Him daily to help me control my tongue and have a childlike faith while not having a childish faith.
Many times I ask-or more like TELL the Lord...TAME ME!!!
And He says, I do not want to. But I will MOLD you. I love your wild and messy and beautiful heart, your randomness and creativity and perspective that no one else sees. You are mine. However, let me shape you, let my Holy Spirit do his work among you and when you have my Spirit, you will have self-control...and everything you need for life and godliness. Susannah, I need you for your personality and what you have to offer.
WOW! I am so in love with Him. So,so,so.

Anyways, school...I am ready to be back in nearly 3 weeks. I love the fresh slate aspect of the new school year, new classes, brand new relationships, new weather, new haircuts...new revelations.

By the way...please be praying for a JOB this year for me as many-most people have already been hired and are training before school starts. I haven't heard back from the place I applied to and spoke to the manager...so I honestly have no idea what to do and it has really been put on my heart to work this year. Please pray for favor!!!!

Woa, there are so many other things I wanna say, but I must be getting to bed. More to come.

Love and blessings,

**Suse**

Back!

It is true...I am back!
Back to blogging, that is. Sorry I haven't written in forever, I'm finally slowing down to where I can even remotely think about it.
There has been so much good stuff going on spiritually, especially that happened in Costa Rica, and of course things that I wish weren't still apart of my life. Sorry that was really vague--I will explain when I have some more time.

One quick fun thing...remember my aunt Megan who after years of trying to conceive, after 4 rounds of in vitro, with a 1% chance of making it got pregnant, well she and my uncle and cousin Bjorn (now 10) just visited and it almost brought me to tears to see such a living miracle. She is about 6 months pregnant with a perfectly healthy girl named Mia. My heart has been overflowing just from this news alone. I am grieving that they live so far away (Wheaton, IL), but still rejoicing that I will get to be a part of her life and that she will be such a blessing to her family. Hopefully she can be my flower girl someday :)

Us with my cousin/best friend Milly

I gotta get going to bed but thanks for your prayers, I always appreciate them, and i will be updating more soon. Love you guys,
Suse